Stigma or Enigma?

Stigma: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person…

Enigma: a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand…

I have just put the phone down following a further conversation regarding transport for my medical appointments….so many policies and protocols come into force when trying to organise transport. One of my previous posts ‘Taxi for Sanderson’ talks about the problems which arose last week when attempting to arrange transport to attend my sessions. Too many driving hours for a single day trip, you have to start treatment from the very begining again somewhere else because I “come under a different region”….it makes me feel like the patient comes last….I come last….

Seriously frustrating and causing me so much undue stress and anxiety!! I feel like screaming “don’t you get it”….but then why should they get it?!

As already explained, I struggle to drive 2 hours to the appointment after a bad night as well as driving back after a session of reliving traumatic experiences which is why SSAFA said I was entitled to transport. Cranwell cannot provide a driver unless I stay overnight somewhere, and Catterick do not have a budget for MT. The phone call today was to ask if I could get the train….

So, my appointment is at 11 am, I have to make the 20 minute journey to the Station, then a train journey which takes approximately 3 hours 50 mins with at least 2 changes, then find my way onto camp. To catch a train to reach my appointment time I would have to catch the one at 0630. The full journey would take approximately 5 hours and cost just short of £105.00. I will then be travelling back just after 12 following my 1 hour session getting me back for around 6 ish in the evening.

For those who are actually aware of PTSD and how this condition affects me, you will understand the build up of anxiety I am already feeling at the very thought of having to make this journey. I would hit 2 peak times and have nowhere to escape to if I was to have one of my ‘moments’. The journey aside, how on earth can I travel back on a train after reliving traumatic events in such an emotional, exhaustive state???? I really don’t know what I can do except to put myself at risk by driving there myself!

How special and important do I feel right now. You wouldn’t think I had given 20 years and almost my life for this would you…

About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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1 Response to Stigma or Enigma?

  1. Mrs Carole Johnston says:

    Do these so called professionals actually know what really happens to people with PTSD I don’t think they do,some days Michelle can’t get on a bus for a ten minute ride without having me with her ( her mum) or wearing her headphones to block out noises but yet she is expected to do a ten hour round journey just for a one hour appointment do they not realise that they are adding to the stresses that she has to face every day they don’t have to hold and comfort her when she is having a bad day or at night when she is having her nightmares it breaks my heart to see what she is going through.she has given up 20 yrs of her life and nearly died because she loved serving her country but what is her country now doing for her? makes me so angry that they are expecting her to do these long journeys I think they should come to her.If she had lost her legs would they still expect her to do the ten hour round journey………………. Makes me wonder heartless they are……


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