Bucket full of emotion.

Finally on the bus back from this week’s comedy workshop!! Hate the journey there and back but love the bit in between!  Seriously someone has just belched behind me!! It was really loud and I’m still giggling, how childish of me!!

Struggled waiting for my bus home tonight as there seemed to be people coming from all directions. To try and explain how I felt imagine someone just pressed the pause button but only you stood still at a busy bus depot in a major city. Everyone is still rushing past you, you try to move because you think they are going to bump right into you but you can’t move. You just hold your breath and close your eyes hoping they will brush past missing you! That’s how it felt just then. Thankfully I’m safely on the bus now but check out how blooming rough I look!!!!

Today I received a call to say my medical board has been approved and I’m now out of the RAF. Not sure how I feel, a little relieved, angry and sad all at the same time.

I’m relieved because I will never have to pick up another weapon and have to shoot in anger again. I will never have to try not to be sick as our chinook tactically flies in and out of ‘hot zones’ to pick up the wounded again. I should never have to witness mutilated bodies, injured soldiers asking me not to let them die whilst gripping my hand, or have to be subjected to angry Afghans  who may want to punch me in the face again!!

I am angry because I gave 20 years of my life building up an amazing career, one in which I was extremely ambitious, to have it end so dramatically. I’m angry because of the lack of understanding towards PTSD and the general management of such a condition. I do have to say however that the one positive constant throughout all the management of me was my GP. He gave so much time and energy towards helping me. Throughout the medical world and I guess in my recent experience, the service in general, it has become less and less about the individual which brings me on to what saddens me.

I am sad due to the loss of my career in the RAF, and in the loss if my lifelong ambition to be a clinician. I am saddened because the ‘system’ has become so impersonal and has less and less time to spend on an individual. I am saddened by the loss of who I once was and I am unsure if I will ever get that back. I am grieving because I have lost my career and who I once was.

I now have to learn to accept what is here and now and try to accept who I am and move forward. That will take some time for sure….


About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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1 Response to Bucket full of emotion.

  1. mitsanuk says:

    Hello Clive, thank you so much for your message. It warms me, yet at the same time saddens me that we can relate in such a way. It matters not how little or how great the exposure to any form of trauma is, the affect on our being is so very destructive. I have a project in the very early stages and once it takes hold you may wish to play some part. Keep in touch and thank you again. I hope you find some peace xx


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