Locked in time….

I’m sat here after receiving a text from a friend discussing the walk I am booked to go on at the weekend. Problem is I’m becoming so very anxious about it because apparently thousands are booked onto it. I’ve donated to the charity so if I don’t make it I won’t feel as bad. They won’t miss little me anyway. I currently feel like I’m becoming a prisoner in my own little world whilst life is going on around me.

It’s impossible to explain to others how I’m so very keen to get involved with things yet when it comes near to the time I become anxious and panic. I am trying though and have managed Manchester on my own for the last couple of weeks, albeit with my headphones on and timing things right. I am already a prisoner in my own mind and I really do not want to become a prisoner in my home as well. It is so easy to just lock myself away and I have to be honest and admit, I have done on a few occasions because it’s safer and easier.

I am in a vicious circle which I cannot escape from. I have lost a prevous partner due and a dear friend due to my injury and I am worried about getting close to anyone else for fear of hurting them. I truly want to meet someone and enjoy the closeness that this brings with it. The problem is I become extremely agitated, anxious and devoid of any emotion so quickly it’s just not fair to subject someone else to that. Add to it the random social anxiety, nightmares and lack of interest most days, I guess I find it better not to put myself or anyone else in a situation where they have to find out the hard way what my injury does without warning.

Oh my god seriously!!!!! I’m just watching Pride of Britain awards and Prince Harry just came on as well as the Invictus team talking about the Games and it was all about the physical injuries sustained again. I am so proud of all those who have overcome their physical injuries but without going over things already said, what about the invisible injuries…..aaarrrggghhhh!!!!!

Im becoming a little frustrated at the lack of recognition for PTSD (I think I’m hiding it well though)! I was watching This Morning today and Brian Adams was on talking about his book of photographs and an exhibition of physically wounded soldiers. Everything I have been reading about PTSD refers to men and about ‘him’ sufferring or hitting ‘his’ wife or girlfriend….I understand it’s due to the majority of ‘soldiers’ being in direct combat but that really isn’t the case anymore. My team and I found ourselves in combat situations on more than one occasion whilst picking up casualties. Veterans of war are wounded physically and/or mentally and this MUST be recognised!!


About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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