Sticks and stones…

Just sat on the bus following another great night with some great people. I’m nervously looking forward to the stand up event but will miss the meet ups & the banter that goes with the evening workshops.

I nearly kicked off at the bus station though and had to really try hard not to lash out by digging my nails into my palm whilst my hand was in my pocket. It’s always really busy at the bus station and I start getting worked up as soon as I walk out of the venue. I really try not to but I can’t really control that just yet.

Anyway I digress, whilst waiting for the 2130 bus it starts to rain so I go under the shelter. Problem is everyone else decides to do the same…..by the way it’s blooming hard trying to write on a moving bus….so someone decides to get into my personal space. I took a breath and then a couple of steps away. Then some other div decides they deserve shelter more than me and almost stands on me!!!!! I chose not to say anything because I can feel my anxiety really emerging now and it wouldn’t be good (or safe probably) if I kicked off!! Thankfully the bus arrives and all is bon!!!

I’m sat right at the back of the bus and it is virtually full. The windows are all steamed up and I’m currently listening to ‘Life for Rent’ by Dido. I can’t really hear anything else as I have my noise reducing headphones on. All I can hear is a little hum, the noise of the bus engine and feel the vibration the bus is making.

Waiting for the bus tonight with my headphones on I started to think of the film with Adam Sandler ‘When Harry Met Sally’. I don’t know if anyone has watched it but Sally has a brother who used to wear headphones all the time to block out loud noise. He also used to have a baseball which he used to carry around with him all the time. If he lost it he would say ‘Has anyone seen my baseball’ and this line was used and still used to take the mickey out of someone who was slow at picking up on a joke or did something really silly.  Well I suddenly realised I was now that guy……

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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