Friends will be friends…..until you let them down.

Definition of poor judgement – making decisions with total disregard to wisdom, common sense, how it may effect the future or others….

The first symptom of PTSD I will discuss is the one which has caused the worst damage not just to myself but to others I care about. It is worth saying that symptoms are not isolated as other ones appear at the same time, but the ones identified in each blog are the main contributer to that moment.

I would like to talk about a situation where I displayed massive poor judgement. I will start from the beginning…

So I bought myself a camper van so I could just take off with Mitsy as and when I need to. I did a bit of work to make it mine and it gave me something to really focus on, my little sanctuary if you like.

I was invited on a holiday with ‘A’ and ‘B’ and the pooches. I was so excited because things had been pretty horrible for me trying to live through and understand what was happening with me. I was feeling really lonely, isolated and in a dark place so I was chuffed to bits with the invite. I suggested we all go together in my camper and ‘A’ said as long as there is a seatbelt in the back we will all travel together. It wasn’t long before we were due to leave and the camper needed a couple of bits doing as well as fitting a seatbelt which I had already considered. I booked it in for the work but when I went back to pick it up the garage informed me they couldn’t fit the seatbelt because they couldn’t find 2 fixed points. They said they couldn’t get under the seat to find a fixed point so they couldnt do it. The earliest they could get a specialist in would have been too late. I was gutted because all I had been focused on was getting it sorted for our trip. One of the guys from the garage walked over to me with a number for a guy he knew who may be able to fit one. I called the chap and dropped my camper off for him to look at. A few hours later he phoned saying he had managed it and I was over the moon. I saw the seatbelt clipped together on the seat and excitedly handed over £70 before driving off.

The day came and I drove to pick ‘A’ and ‘B’ up. The camper was packed and we were ready for the off. Just as we were about to set off ‘A’ picked up the seatbelt to fasten, we heard a clunk as something quite clearly hit the floor and one side of the seatbelt came loose. I absolutely panicked and was totally stunned. After a bit of deliberating we decided we would go anyway. My heart was pounding and I felt sick. I was also completely gutted because I messed up trying to get it right. ‘B’ was really annoyed also and was wanting me to phone the garage there and then. I didn’t know what to do so I said I would phone the garage once we arrived at our destination. I had already told them the seatbelt had been fitted by the garage and not just a connection from one of the mechanics through the back door. I still have absolutely no idea why I just didn’t say anything. I was so keen to get us all together after what I had been going through that I just didn’t want anything to go wrong. A grey fog just decended on me and I didn’t know how to put it right. Now I’m out of the situation it’s just so obvious but I just wasn’t thinking straight at all. I was focused on the holiday and being with the girls.

I pulled up en – route and ‘B’ and myself got out of the camper to investigate a knocking noise from underneath the camper (once returned from hols it came to light it was the bonnet holder which was loose)! I cant remember if it was then, or when we arrived that I went to look at the back of the camper to see how they could have fitted the seatbelt. I looked underneath and all they’d done is tied the long side of the seatbelt to the metal bar of the Rock and Roll bed. I was absolutely gobsmacked, angry and very disappointed in myself for not checking the work. To be honest I didn’t even think about checking it because I just assumed that he would have done a good job!! I showed ‘B’ and she was also really angry. I got on the phone to the garage but although I said it was the garage who fitted it I was speaking to the guy who referred me to the chap. He said he would organise a refund (£100) and ensure he does not use or recommend the guy again. During this call (and at this point I will say it was a touch phone) with my cheek I ended up putting the call on hold and phoning ‘A’ as her number was on the recent call list.

Nothing more was said until a couple of weeks later. I never got over that and I hated that I lied to ‘A’ and ‘B’ but it wasn’t for any bad sinister reason and I don’t even know why I did. I don’t even lie and am well known for being brutally honest at times. I have also been honest to the detriment of myself so I was extremely angry and so very disappointed in myself. I was so disgusted with myself and my camper was a constant reminder. I decided I wanted to change the inside to see if I could get rid of the bad memory. It wasn’t that easy though however. The garage had been right about one thing, they would have damaged the rock and roll bed if they had tried to fit the seatbelt. I had to use a bar to prise the seating off it. It was absolutely solid and it was completely destroyed whilst being taken apart. It was this day that ‘A’ phoned me (after noticing I had taken the bed out) and said something had been bugging her about the seatbelt and had I been truthful. My head was together at this point, back to normal – ish and I told her the truth. ‘A’ was clearly disappointed but forgave me but ‘B’ has never really spoken to me since.

I had made a very bad call at a time when I was in a dark place. I could, and still do not understand why I did this and will regret it for the rest of my life. ‘B’ has completely cut me off and despite trying, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I don’t blame her because how can I expect anyone else to understand this when I don’t understand it myself. I will always live in hope that ‘B’ will forgive me because she means the world to me. You don’t stop loving someone just because they cut you off…

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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