Apathy is at an all time whatever.

I’m finally sat down after a busy day of painting the kitchen, something I have been attempting to do since a week last Thursday! It’s taken me that long to work up the energy to finally do it and I wanted to give up a few times today. It takes so long these days to find the enthusiasm and energy to just crack on which is really quite frustrating for me. I used to be so proactive and have amazing capacity but that seems to have diminished somewhat. I have a distinct lack of motivation which saddens me. It also really annoys me because I also sit looking around, becoming frustrated because so much needs to be done. Shame I can’t just click my fingers and all the jobs will be done. Where’s Peter Andre and the 60 minute makeover when you need him!!

My head is so very busy all the time with too much running around it. If I can try to explain it, its like being sat in the middle of a playground roundabout which is spinning. More and more people are jumping on whilst it continues to spin, not waiting for it to stop first. It just keeps spinning while the weight gets heavier and heavier…

Eventually the roundabout has to stop because the weight is too much. Unfortunately noone gets off and they are all trying to get it moving again. There is no real time to recover and I become overwhelmed and exhausted emotionally and physically. I try to set myself goals and deadlines that help me focus but what I have to realise is that I have to start small again. I’m trying to do too much too soon and that just makes things worse. I was told last week not to be too hard on myself and just take each day as it comes. I so wish it could be that easy.

I have always held such high standards in everything I have done personally and professionally so it truly upsets me that my hidden injury has affected me so much. I wake up some mornings and I know I’m not going to get anything done. On another morning I’m completely focused and I have to crack on as soon as possible before apathy kicks in. How on earth am I going to be able to hold down a full time job when I struggle to get through one day?! If someone had told me 2 years ago I would no longer be in the RAF I would have laughed in their face. If you cut my head off you would see a roundel I was that proud to serve. Now I would be lucky to hold down a part time job. I’m so gutted and disappointed…

This thing has got me by the throat and some days it truly consumes me. However, what it has made me realise is that it is so very important to keep talking about these difficult days I’m experiencing. If I can help others through their struggles and find strength from others then it is worth the torment that comes with PTSD, my PTSD.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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