It’s so good to talk.

I had such a weird dream last night that seemed to have bits of everything that I have been struggling with post tour, yet did not feature the same people. Recently my dreams have also featured lots of water??

I’m really not sure where I was but I was with Lozzie and a few others on a barge when suddenly we found ourselves in Afghanistan. Two helicopters were coming towards us when I suddenly spotted one of them dropping. I turned to Lozzie and said “that doesn’t look good” just before it crashed. We were then at the scene and it had crashed into the fire section. Two of the lads had been injured and the rest of them were rushing past us because the place was about to go up in smoke.

Then I was suddenly in another sandy place which I didnt recognise and I was on my own. I wanted to do my laundry and eventually found somewhere. Whilst I was waiting for my washing to finish I ordered a pint but was handed half a bitter; I never drink bitter! I was being watched by someone who wanted to take all my money. He chased me out of the bar and then I suddenly found myself in some random accommodation block.

I was again with Lozzie sorting out a random bedroom. The room had 3 beds and some random furniture and we had to move it all around to make it fit more comfortably.

From there I found myself on a coach with a few others I didnt recognise. I turned to look behind me after hearing some commotion and people shouting. I saw 2 soldiers running forward with their weapons. I wondered what they were running towards us for but then I saw an afghan man pop up from the middle of the road with a weapon in his hands. He had been camouflaged so we didn’t see him initially. He started to run over shooting at the bus and the 2 soldiers where shooting but missing him. The insurgent reached the bus and leant through the window aiming at me. I grabbed a weapon off one of the soldiers and emptied a magazine of 30 rounds into him, killing him. I handed the weapon back over formerly by saying “this weapon is clear….oh and you need a new mag”.

Instantly I was bizarrely in front of a doctor I didn’t recognise and we were discussing medication….I then woke up!!

I looked at my phone to check the time and I noticed a Facebook message. It was from one of my friends asking if I knew the person in the photo attached to the message. It was a young girl I used to work with and was friends with. She was struggling with a lot of things and used to have a drink to help her forget her demons. She sought some help eventually, was given medication and sent home on sick leave. Sadly she never came back from that. Her demons where to great to deal with and she took her own life. Such a sad loss for such a young girl but it sits as a reminder that we should be able to talk about our illness without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I do this for you, me and all those who cannot find their voice. R.I.P sweet lady xx

About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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