The Long & Winding Road.

Currently sat in my onsie rocking away on my rocking chair with a nice chilled beer. The last few days have been a little crazy and I’ve got absolutely no idea how on earth I got through it!

Monday I decided to brace visiting the local town really early because I wanted to choose my special christmas cards. I’ve had to do most of my shopping online sadly but there was no way I was going to compromise on the cards. However as I stated on a previous blog my mum had to come and rescue me!!

Tuesday I had a meeting at Warrington Masonic Hall to formalise the details for a talk I am delivering to them in January. I had another 2 bookings this week so I now have 7 talks booked for early in the new year. The masonic hall are making a donation towards my charity following my talk which is fantastic news.

Wednesday I wasn’t feeling that great so I decided not to go to the usual midweek bingo session. I put some decorations up for my nan and grandad and then collapsed on my mums sofa for the afternoon/evening. I was completely washed out and developed the usual stress induced headache!! Thankfully my mum wasn’t in the mood for going either so I didn’t feel too bad about not wanting to go.

Thurs (yesterday) was a very long difficult day. I was being asked a lot of questions about what has happened to me since returning from Afghanistan so it was a tense and emotional day. It was for the good of all those who cannot speak out for themselves as well as helping out to raise awareness of hidden illnesses. It was difficult be so frank and open with someone I didn’t know, it certainly wasn’t as easy as writing my blog that’s for sure. I just kept in mind the reason for doing what I did and it’s all worth it. I truly hope it helps even just one person. I spent Thursday at my mums and then came back home and collapsed in bed. I was absolutely exhausted.

Sadly, not unexpectedly I had a horrific dream last night which carried on into the morning. Nonetheless I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to focus on the day ahead. I attended the local hospice because I really want to commence some therapeutic work placements to get me out and about again. It will provide a focus for me and potentially a new direction. I am fully aware that it’s not going to be easy but if I don’t try I will never leave the house again. I have been completely open with the volunteer manager and she seems really open to me working there which is fantastic. Hopefully I will start there very soon. I tried to obtain some of my medication from the local doctor today but because I’m still registered with the RAF and there is no official evidence of me being on any meds I couldn’t be prescribed any. The problem is I don’t have any left from tomorrow onwards. My good friend has mailed some over to me but they haven’t arrived yet. Other than driving over 2 hours to pick them up I’m stuck. If I don’t take my daily tablet, after a couple of hours I start to feel the side effects from not having taken one. I become really dizzy and nauseous as well as being more anxious. Further into the day and the next my mood will start to fluctuate and I won’t be able to balance or control it. I’m not sure what I can do. I think I will try the emergency call out tomorrow if my tablets don’t arrive. I have a copy of a repeat prescription as evidence of being on them so hopefully it will work out. Why does this have to be so difficult to organise?!

Tomorrow I am due to be attending an awards ceremony in Manchester but I am already panicking about it. The place is going to be so very busy and after a difficult week I’m not sure I could handle it. I think it would be too much, especially if im not going to have any meds to fall back on. It’s so annoying that im stuck in limbo like this, it makes me so bloody angry!!

It’s been a very stressful week and next week isn’t going to be any less busy. When I say busy though, without this illness it would be a dream week. The only good thing is that im meeting my counsellor on Wednesday and my lovely SSAFA lady is visiting me on Friday.

Today ended well though and I felt a little bit of that buzz back that I used to feel all the time! It’s only a bit of voluntary work but it’s something I am passionate about and I truly hope this therapeutic placement is the start of a new journey, a road that is yet to be built. I am slowly accepting that my life has changed considerably and I’m clicking on to the fact that if the road you have been on is no longer happening for you then build a new road and see where it takes you…

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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