To do list.

So I’m sat in bed absolutely washed out just after 9pm. I find myself here most evenings now, completely drained.

I do believe some of this has to be down to my medication but that isn’t the only reason. I’m fine until about 3ish and then it’s like a switch going off in my head. At that point all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep. If I had my white chest right now I would climb into it, pull down the lid and just shut out the world.

I am slowly getting on top of things now though thankfully so my ‘to do’ list has shrunk. Everyone has a list of jobs I know, I used to smile at my mate Meesh who was always left with a list of jobs to do lol. My list of jobs is slightly different in that I don’t just cross them off. I cross them out and add them to the bottom of the list again and again because I really couldn’t be bothered, or my head wasn’t in a good place, or that there was too much going on in my head I was too tired before I even start, or just because….

Finally I’m getting through them but it’s taking so much more strength than it used to. I get angry and frustrated with myself because I don’t have the same mental capacity as I used to. It gets me ever so frustrated. I have to have lists for lists now and it’s absolutely ridiculous! I feel overwhelmed sometimes by the sheer gravity of shift my life has taken. Sometimes I feel like I’m having to learn some things all over again and I know that may sound odd but my memory and concentration are really suffering right now. I’m forgetting silly things and I now have 4 diaries on the go to remind me what I need to do each day. Some of you might think it’s nothing unusual for some people or that it’s “just old age”, but actually for someone who is used to a high pressured job with deadlines, as well as being able to juggle other tasks, this is a major blip and something I am struggling to acknowledge and come to terms with.

Most days I don’t even want to get up in a morning. I just want to shut the world away and keep my brain still for a while…

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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