So I’m sat in bed absolutely washed out just after 9pm. I find myself here most evenings now, completely drained.
I do believe some of this has to be down to my medication but that isn’t the only reason. I’m fine until about 3ish and then it’s like a switch going off in my head. At that point all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep. If I had my white chest right now I would climb into it, pull down the lid and just shut out the world.
I am slowly getting on top of things now though thankfully so my ‘to do’ list has shrunk. Everyone has a list of jobs I know, I used to smile at my mate Meesh who was always left with a list of jobs to do lol. My list of jobs is slightly different in that I don’t just cross them off. I cross them out and add them to the bottom of the list again and again because I really couldn’t be bothered, or my head wasn’t in a good place, or that there was too much going on in my head I was too tired before I even start, or just because….
Finally I’m getting through them but it’s taking so much more strength than it used to. I get angry and frustrated with myself because I don’t have the same mental capacity as I used to. It gets me ever so frustrated. I have to have lists for lists now and it’s absolutely ridiculous! I feel overwhelmed sometimes by the sheer gravity of shift my life has taken. Sometimes I feel like I’m having to learn some things all over again and I know that may sound odd but my memory and concentration are really suffering right now. I’m forgetting silly things and I now have 4 diaries on the go to remind me what I need to do each day. Some of you might think it’s nothing unusual for some people or that it’s “just old age”, but actually for someone who is used to a high pressured job with deadlines, as well as being able to juggle other tasks, this is a major blip and something I am struggling to acknowledge and come to terms with.
Most days I don’t even want to get up in a morning. I just want to shut the world away and keep my brain still for a while…