I am the light at the end of my tunnel.

The last couple of days have been pretty good to be fair. I knew it was going to be really busy and stressful and almost decided not to venture out at all. However, I can lock myself away forever and remain lonely or push myself despite the fear that plagues me within.

So I prepped my camper for a road trip and set off for my sister’s annual christmas party. I was also visiting my best friend in the whole world. I was looking forward to seeing everyone but extremely nervous as I hadn’t ventured out too far from the safety of my home. I was hoping to get through the next 2 days without any panic or severe anxiety attacks.

I know some of you reading this may be thinking that I shouldn’t be worrying too much considering I was visiting family and friends but it isn’t that simple. In fact sometimes it’s worse because those who struggle as I do know you try even harder to try to convince loved ones your ok. You do this because you don’t want to worry those you love and care about. Some of the time I can be ok but a flick of my inner switch is soon telling me to scarper!!

I was on the road driving to Blackburn to my sisters and my heart was pounding, it was pumping that hard I could feel the pulse in my neck. I wasn’t only nervous, I was also looking forward to seeing family. I don’t get to see them all that often so it was nice to have a get together. It was fantastic to see my best friend as well as I hadn’t seen her in such a long time. I did miss not seeing others I care about but hope to get together with them some other time.

My life as I knew it has changed. Some days my day starts bad and remains bad, behind closed doors. Other days they start bad but improve then go off again. A day can start good and tailor off….my days are unpredictable but I get through them one step at a time.

How many people going through this daily turmoil have been told ‘there is light at the end of the tunnel’? This can sometimes be a token gesture from genuine people who don’t really know what else to say or do around you. However, I do believe it is true to some degree. Everyone will go through dark times as part of a personal journey through the tunnel, and there will be times when you think you’ve reached the end of the tunnel. A glimmer of light can be seen in the distance but then you blink and it disappears into the distance. Yet another setback but the bulb still flickers.

How about we turn that analogy on its head and you become the light at the end of the tunnel. The last 2 days have been pretty steady for me and it’s given me some encouragement that I can have some positive moments amongst the sludge. I believe there isn’t just one tunnel, there is a network of tunnels and throughout life we will all travel through various dark times. Some tunnels are shorter than others but we have no choice but to travel through each one if we don’t want to give up. Instead of the light being at the end of the tunnel, hold the light within you and try your very hardest to keep it burning. Some days the light will be brighter than others but try your very hardest to keep your inner light burning. I don’t ever want mine to go out and I will fight hard to keep it shining.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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