Sssshh, it’s oh so quiet…

The other evening (the day I made the video blog) I just couldn’t sleep because my mind was playing tricks on me again. Everything was a problem and the darkness was rearing its ugly head. I knew it would take some time to get to sleep so I decided it was the night to take a sleeping tablet.

The following morning I woke up with a start. I heard Mitsy crying and took a look at the clock. It was 0915 which is an hour later than normal for my little girls routine. I jumped out of bed and I felt like bambi, my legs just didn’t want to work at all and I was stumbling all over the place. Even my contact lenses didn’t want to wake up!!!!

My friend visited me yesterday and I really wanted to go out so we did. We both wanted to watch a movie so I booked the tickets in the hope I would sit through the full film without feeling claustrophobic or panicky. Once I’d bought the tickets we thought we would try to get something to eat before the film. There was an ‘all you can eat’ Chinese buffet which was a big place with plenty of space and it was never really busy. We decided to try it so in we walked only to find out they were about to close for a couple of hours. Cathy suggested we try Nando’s. Having never been in before I took a deep breath and walked in….oh my word!!!!!! The noise and bustle of a busy place just hit me. The tills where lined with people and the tables where really close together. I could feel my throat tighten and my heartbeat increasing with every step forward I made. So we were directed to a table which was in the middle of the room. I put my coat on the chair and almost ran to the toilet for a bit of a breather. I pulled myself together and walked back out. As I started to sit down Cathy could see I clearly wasn’t comfortable at all so we up and left. There was a Frankie and Bennies next door so we went in there as it was separated into booths and not very busy at all which was fantastic. I still couldn’t settle but at least we could have a meal of sorts. To be fair we were in and out but at least we managed a meal.

So it was time to go in for the movie, we found screen 6 and walked in to a tiny cinema room. Thankfully we only ended up sharing with roughly 10 other people, we sat in the isle with noone in front of us which gave me breathing space. There was a couple of moments during the film where I jumped out of my skin but apart from that it was great and the whole time was pretty uneventful. The rest of the evening was spent at the local ‘phoenix night’ club playing bingo and listening to the band which where really loud. I thought I was going to have to leave at one point to get myself together but I did alright. It took a lot out of me keeping focused enough not to lose it and I was shattered by the end of it!! I wanted to stick it out though as I’m annoyed at keep having to ruin people’s nights, especially as my mum was having such a great night.

As I’m writing this blog I’m sat in the bingo hall and in between games all you can hear is a hum of different voices all trying to get a word in before the next game. So many coughing their seasonal germs across their tables. People clicking little counters used for the £1 tabletop machines, knives being scraped across plates as people are rushing their in house meals, doors opening and closing, cash tills opening and closing and drinks hitting the tables after being lifted to drink. These are just some of the noises I can hear, my ears feeling heavy and im conscious I can feel a pulse throbbing from my left one. When it goes quiet I can hear the quiet buzzing/humming, my ears feeling heavy but pleased for the break in noise. My hearing has definately become more acute that’s for sure but I don’t like it very much. To try to describe how my ears feel it’s like having cotton wool stuffed in your ears for a while, packed tight, then it’s removed but still feels like it’s in there and they throb.

Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone noticed their hearing becoming more acute? I’m not sure if it has anything to do with having to really concentrate on listening whilst on tour? Waiting for a call to come through, waiting for further details on casualty condition and concentrating on listening out for radio comms in the helicopter during flight whilst the engines and rotor blades are running. It could be related but all I know is I could hear a pin drop in a busy nightclub just now!!

image

About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Sssshh, it’s oh so quiet…

  1. Dan says:

    i have these symptoms when highly anxious – or its PTSD Description
    Of hyperarousal.
    I have even noticed that when I am feeling well; my capacity for doing numerous
    Jobs or problem solving makes my head spin!

    Like

    • mitsanuk says:

      I’m the same, my capacity has diminished considerably. It’s said and frustrating when I am used to being able to keep a few plates spinning at the same time! Hey Ho, I now have to go with the fresh set of cards I have been dealt xx

      Like

  2. Tina jones says:

    Well done you. Such an achievement. You should be proud of yourself. My hearing became very acute when I had the children. Before they came along I would sleep through an earthquake, where now the slighted noise or movement wakes me up. Xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s