Aftermath of confrontation.

So yesterday I woke up with a thumping headache but forced myself out to attend my counselling session. I think the last couple of days actually took its toll on me but apart from my headache I feel emotionally ‘together’ about confronting my abuser.

My counselling session was supposed to concentrate on my combat PTSD but the abuser confrontation took over the session. It was really difficult to concentrate due to the increasing pounding in my head. We decided mutually not to commence any productive treatment whilst I wasn’t well. So we talked a little about my activities from Monday then I left.

So how do I feel following the confrontation? To be honest at present I remain shocked at the actions I took. It was no surprise that I was going to track him down and I had received some very kind offers of support for when it was time. However, it was something I could not see me planning. Once the decision was made I just had to go there and then otherwise I would talk myself out of it. So why Monday? To be honest I just don’t know. I didn’t wake up and decide I was going. I had made numerous calls to the number I had obtained but no answer ever came.
I climbed out of bed, sorted Mitsy out and toddled off to my grandparents as normal. I had a lovely hour or so with them and then I left for home with the intention of doing some decorating. I stripped the room preparing to paint, popped downstairs then decided I was going to do it today. Before I could change my mind I was sat in my camper in my decorating scruffs and woolly hat! I started the engine just as a text from my mum came through asking if I fancied a coffee. I very nearly turned my engine off and go for the coffee. As you all now know I decided it was now or never and off I went. The closer I got the sicker I felt. My hands where shaking, my heartbeat was going crazy and my head was battling against me. I arrived after a trip down memory lane as I drove past one of the houses we used to live in as a child. I drove past a park were I rode a moped for the first time. Well when I say rode, what actually happened was I sat on the seat, put one foot up, twisted the rev handle way to much and rode straight into a wall!!

I turned into the road and past the house I needed and pulled up in a space, bumping up the curb that I didn’t see. I thought I was going to soil myself there and then but I’d come this far. As I opened the gate I noticed how messy the garden was and how run down the paintwork on the doors/windows looked. I knocked on the glass and waited….when the door opened I thought my heart had stopped!!! The man in front of me didn’t look like my abuser, he looked like a pathetic little man. He had a lot of weight and had a fairly shaved head and big glasses. I’m not sure if he had teeth in but he sounded like he hadn’t. You will have all watched the video by now I’m sure but if not I have attached the link again. I absolutely did not expect the response I received. It took me aback because I was expecting a denial. As we know this is not the case and he said my name before I had to remind him. I cannot believe he had the audacity to invite me in, I was gobsmacked!!! At that point I just couldn’t wait to get away because the anger was building up inside me. I didn’t want to lose it though and seeing as how I had received a confession from the pathetic being in front of me I had what I came for.

I walked away head held high knowing I was the better person. I had taken back the control from a ‘man’ who stole my innocence all those years ago. He took away any chance I had of a sensual, loving, ‘normal’ sexual relationship with someone I love. Well I’m hoping that is closure and I can now start to move on with my life whichever direction that takes me in.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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