Relight your inner spark.

What a week!!!!! I am absolutely shattered but surprisingly ok. I started the week confronting the physical demon which has haunted me for years and affected every relationship I attempted to keep hold of. I then came back from the confrontation and started decorating my spare room as if nothing had happened!! On Wednesday I attended counselling which didn’t exactly go to plan and then Thursday I delivered a talk to the masons from Ashmole Lodge in Warrington. What an amazing bunch of gentlemen. I have to admit that by the time Thursday arrived I could quite happily have climbed into my white treasure chest and closed the lid on the world. However I did attend the talk and I’m so very pleased I did.

I arrived to set up only to find the projector they provided would not connect to my laptop. My only option was to just talk without the assistance of visual aids. I felt so nervous, especially when all the gents sat down in front of me, all dressed in black suits looking at me dressed in my grey suit and pink blouse. My stomach was churning but I started and thankfully it flowed really well. The audience really engaged with it and actually laughed at the random jokes I threw out. That stand-up comedy workshop definately helped for sure!! Following the talk and the many questions which followed, almost all of them came over to me and shared various bits of their own experience which was great. A few of them had connected and related to some of what I talked about which only encouraged me to conduct further talks. Sadly one gentleman came over to tell me he was sadly burying his brother this Friday. His brother had been sufferring with PTSD but noone was aware until it was too late, he had taken his own life. He sadly isolated himself from his family and friends and saw no other way out. I didn’t know what to say to him but knowing yet another had been lost to PTSD just encourages me to continue opening up.

I walked away from the evening with £205 for CLASP charity and 4 further bookings. I had the special privilege of joining then for dinner and although I couldn’t eat much due to my anxiety I had a wonderful evening. I was made to feel extremely welcome and I was humbled by their kindness.

I didn’t sleep very well Thursday evening because I left Warrington on a high but dreaded what Friday morning had in store for me. I will cover that on a separate blog entry next week no doubt. I was so very pleased when Friday afternoon arrived because that was to signify the end of one of the toughest weeks of my life.

So, think of the worst thing you’ve had to go through in your life. Try to remember the feelings you felt. The dreaded feeling at the pit of your stomach, your heart beating so fast and powerful you think it may jump out of your chest at any moment, the feeling that you could throw up at anytime yet you feel the mass lump which is growing in your throat which you think could stop your breathing at any time. The shaky legs and sweaty palms as well as your head feeling like mush. Well that is how I have felt all week. Yet I have also felt some release, like one of my demons has packed it’s bags and disappeared. This brings a calming feeling but also encourages me massively. If I can banish one demon squatter which has been living within me for over 30 years then I know with time and support I can banish other demons. I am no fool though, I know those demons can and will come knocking on my door when I let my guard down but I now know I have some inner strength from somewhere. I feel like my inner ignition light has finally tripped back into action and I’m not prepared to let it burn out anymore, no matter what it takes. I hope this encourages all of you who are struggling in some way that we all still have some fight left in us. It just takes some strength to bring it back to the fore. It can be done and you can do it….take charge of your demons xx

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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