Broken by my dream job, broken by my dreams….

This morning I had to literally claw my way out of bed. I just did not want to face the world after the terrible and random dreams I had. Thankfully I had a reason to get out of bed because I needed to go and buy some sundries for the decorating I’m currently undertaking.

I had one of my repeated dreams but with a twist. I was in a house that keeps appearing in my dreams for some reason but with different occupants. It contained the normal rooms downstairs then on the first level was an en – suite room with 2 beds in it and a double bedroom. Then there was a huge room on the next floor that had a sitting room, kitchenette and an en – suite bedroom. In all my dreams I wanted this room but it was always out of bounds due to the rotting floorboards just before the opening to the room. I just started looking at the huge drop down the gap of the rotten floorboards when I saw a child’s body. I squeezed my eyes and blinked a few times but the body was still there. I scrambled at the floorboards to try to reach the child, not knowing if it was alive or not. I finally broke through and saw the full extent of the terrible aftermath of trauma, knowing the child must be dead. I dragged the body clear and kneeling on my knees I looked up and down the child’s body. It was a young boy but unsure of the age. His face had been smashed in and one of his eye sockets had been completely smashed in, his faced blooded and swollen. His main body still had clothes on, just! He had lost both his legs and had a mangled arm, he had completely bled out. I lifted the child up with both arms and squeezed him tight close to my chest, crying my eyes out….

Then I was suddenly in some random public toilets which were like those in motorway services. The doors to the cubicles were too small so others could see you sat on the toilet. Sadly you could never sit on them though because they were all very nearly spilling over with waste. Nearly every single toilet was like this and some cubicles also had waste spilling on the floor. They were absolutely disgusting but I really needed to go to the toilet.

My dream then turned into a moment where I was in uniform but without the hat. I was aware I would be in trouble if I was caught without my hat so I was rushing back to get it! As I was walking to the block I saw my old Wg Cdr and the medical air vice marshall. I remember standing to attention in front of them. There was no mention of where my hat was but they who asked me if I would consider staying in the RAF. They said it would be a loss to the services. At this point I woke up.

If only it was that simple, I would have loved to have carried on my career and I miss it deeply. The very career I had dreamed of had now ruined any chance I had of continuing with it. Sadly I have been left to feel like I’ve been spat out and forgotten….

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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3 Responses to Broken by my dream job, broken by my dreams….

  1. Nancy says:

    Your dream job cannot give you peace, relax with that, you are a fine person, kind and clearly emotionally intelligent. Take your strengths, I suspect you have a miriad of them and ergo nose you are helping folks in ‘your way’! You are ok, many of us appreciate how you help us!

    Like

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