It’s never too late.

So I’m sure most of you watched the video of me confronting my abuser. One of the comments made was ‘you should go to the police’. I was not in a position to tell you all this before but I did contact the police. In fact, that very day. After returning home and catching my breath again I phoned the police and an officer came over that night. She took a statement from me which I found extremely difficult for many reasons. The first reason is pretty obvious, it’s not a great position to be in having to report someone for child abuse against you. It became more difficult and really uncomfortable once the questions started getting really personal. She asked me if I could remember dates, places and what happened. When I say she asked what happened I had to tell her where and how I was touched….I felt violated all those years ago, everytime I became intimate with anyone, when I was asked the questions at interview and now as I write this. I just had to hold on to the thought that it had to be done. During this interview I also felt guilty and ashamed. Talking it through as an adult made it sound vile. It made me feel embarressed that it had happened to me. That said I was way too young and he was wrong to do what he did.

A week or so later I received a phone call stating I had to visit a police house to go through a video interview. This meant having to relive everything yet again….for some reason I found it extremely difficult to say the word ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’. I’m a clinician, a grown adult yet I seemed to revert to childlike without being able to control it. I shouldn’t be embarressed about using those words yet due to the circumstances I automatically became uncomfortable.

The interview lasted a couple of hours and I was told if it goes to court they could use this as my evidance. The police also took a copy of the video evidance I had stored on my phone of me confronting him. I was informed the case had to be moved to the county in which the abuse took place. I received a phone call about a week ago from a police officer from the new county informing me they had received the case details and will be in touch with an update soon. I was informed a support worker would be making contact with me at some point soon.

After such a long gap I wasn’t sure my abuser would be expecting a knock on the door. However, yesterday I received a call from the police informing me he had been interviewed. I really wasn’t prepared for what she had to tell me next. I was in my bedroom, up a ladder with a paintbrush in my hand (decorating my bedroom) when the phone rang. She told me he had admitted everything…..that news absolutely floored me and I really wasn’t sure how to react. I think the copper was as shocked as I was about his admission. I truly wasn’t expecting that one bit! I can’t help feeling relieved because it saves all the back and forth following denial, living and reliving situations over and over. At least this way I don’t have much of a fight over it. They said it may take some time for the CPS to decide on sentencing, a couple of months or so. To be fair I’m just relieved about his admission, anything on top of that is a bonus!!

The next emotion I really wasn’t prepared for. I felt a little guilty that he would be getting done, like it was my fault. Don’t get me wrong I know he was soooo wrong in what he did, and he ruined any chance I’ve had to date of a beautiful sensual relationship. He denied me something which should be such a beautiful personal thing and turned it into something I avoid like the plague!! That said, I still felt a little sorry for him. When I confronted him, for the first time since I’ve known him he looked like a pathetic old man and I think that may be why I felt sorry for him. He deserves everything he gets for taking away my innocence.

Since confronting him I’ve found some strength creeping out and it feels great. However, I still have an unanswered question which I may never get to know the answer to. Out of four girls why did he choose me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m so pleased it didn’t happen to any of my sisters but I will always be left wondering what made him choose me.

Bottom line is after 34 years I finally found the courage to confront my sexual abuser and he will pay his dues. It is never too late to report anything like this. You can only do it when the time is right and only you will know when that is. Although I’m going through these emotions I know it was the right thing to do, he has to pay for what he did to me. Please take some strength from this.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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