Too many triggers = bad night.

Wow, firstly if this blog doesn’t make sense I’m absolutely shattered and I can’t be bothered rechecking it. I had an absolutely dreadful night last night resulting in very little sleep.

So why the bad night? I think it is a culmination of events which happened over the weekend. Saturday started off really well and I even did some work! Once I’d finished work I decided I would continue to do some painting in my bedroom. During this time I received a call from the police regarding my case. I have already talked about what followed from this call. The things that keep running around my head are the feeling of guilt at potentially having my abuser locked up. This comes and goes and each time the thoughts are outweighed by the fact he ruined my whole life. I also keep wondering ‘why me’. I may never find the answer to this but it doesn’t stop it running around my head at ridiculous times of the day or night.

So Sunday was a series of PTSD triggers. I was painting around the window in my bedroom when I heard a man shouting. I looked out of my window to see a big black dog chasing a cat. The dog initially trapped the cat but it managed to escape. Then the dog caught it again, grabbed hold of it in its mouth and tossed it around like a rag doll. Just as this happened I heard the most haunting scream from a lady who was running out from a driveway on the corner. She was screaming because it was her cat. The dog who’s lead was dragging on the floor tossed the poor cat out of its mouth and into the road. It was like slow motion as the cat was flying in the air, hitting the road just as a car drove over it. I feel sick now just thinking about it 2 days later!! The owner of the dog picked the cat up out of the road just before the dog could grab another hold. It was clear that at least the back legs where broken. It was really shocking to witness what had happened.

The poor woman was in hysterics. I went over to her to see if there was anything I could do. Her daughter now had the cat in her arms in tears. It broke my heart to see her like that. The cat was really quiet but his little tongue was hanging out, panting away. I phoned a couple of places to try to contact an emergency vet. The nearest place I could get them in was half an hour away. I couldn’t believe the lady would be expected to drive all that way in the state she was in so I offered to drive them before I’d thought about the consequences to myself.

I can imagine some of you asking why on earth this tragedy would have consequences for me. The first thing to say is that unless you are a pet lover you can never truly understand the bond between an animal and it’s guardian. I can’t imagine anyone who witnessed the incident would not be affected in some way. This was a living creature with their guardian in bits. Seeing the trauma, feeling the shock, witnessing real grief, rushing to the vets to try to save the poor life, anxiety levels through the roof…… All these feelings sent me back to Afghan causing my heart to pound faster, feeling sick to the stomach, shaking so hard yet having to keep it together for the family.

So we arrive at the vets and I drop them outside the door while I park up. It was pouring down and the young girl hadn’t even put any shoes on. I parked up and went to the door but it was locked. Noone was answering the buzzer so I was stood there a few minutes before someone came out. After a while the family came out and sadly their 15 year old cat had to be put to sleep because she was paralysed. The lady was called to the counter, asked if she wanted her cat cremated and then the receptionist said “that will be £344.00 please”!!

This brings us back to last night. My head has been all over the place since Sat and yesterday was mostly spent not doing very much at all. I was shattered but when I went to bed my mind wouldn’t shut down. Thoughts flew in and out of my mind in no particular order and too fast for me to be able to focus in on them. I eventually fell asleep but woke up at 1am sweating and screaming. I was wet through and my heart was in overdrive. I can’t even begin to tell you what my dream was about except that there was a major trauma following an aeroplane crash. It was really messy but I couldn’t reach any of the casualties. There was a child with a weapon aimed directly at me and everytime I took a step forward he fired at me. Initially it was single shots which missed but then he changed to automatic. Just before the rounds hit me I woke up…..and there I stayed, awake.

I’m now flat out on my sofa trying to hold out until at least 9pm. I’m counting the seconds!!

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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7 Responses to Too many triggers = bad night.

  1. Laura Jones says:

    Reading your blog is such a comfort for me. I saw your feature on itv news last night and it brought me to tears hearing the emotions you go through and hearing someone say all the things I am scared to. I am suffering with PTS in completely different circumstances, my friend horrifically died and I am trying to come to terms with the circumstances. I just wanted to say you are so brave for putting it out there, and for the first time in a long time I felt comfort and like I was normal to hear someone else say those things. You are an inspiration and really amazing and I would like to thank you for raising this awareness for everyone who suffers with this life changing stress and horror.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Laura Jones says:

    I watched your feature last night on itv news and I just wanted to say thank you. For the first time in months I felt comfort and reassurance from the simularities of the feelings we felt. I suffer with PTS due to a tragic and horrible death of my friend and the struggles you face I can really relate to. I just want to say thank you for raising awareness it’s such a horrible thing to go through, but one of the worst parts is it can be the loneliest place in the world to be in. So I just wanted to say thank you for being so strong and talking about it, it really touched me and brought me to tears. Stay strong!

    Like

    • mitsanuk says:

      Hello Laura and thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear that you are going through your own battle but extremely pleased you found comfort and reassurance form my news piece. I hope by opening up I raise more awareness of this dreadful illness and nudge the system into further action to help. That’s all we can hope for eh. Anyway, if you would like to chat further at any point please do. Very warm regards, Michelle xx

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  3. Trish Balshaw says:

    Oh my goodness Michelle I can’t imagine how you feel and are able to cope with these terrible feelings and dreams, I feel so lucky that I have never had to serve in a war nor any of my children, but it does not stop me feeling so cross that all of you who did and now need help to get over all the terrible things you have had to endure are being badly let down by the system, our governments priority should be to give assistance in abundance to all our heroes of war. Please believe that millions of people in this country are forever grateful to you all for your sacrifice and I will pray for you everyday that there will come a time in the not on distant furniture where you will wake up feeling happy refreshed and able to cope and enjoy your life once again. If you where next to me now I would give you such a huge hug because you need one every time you feel scared, stressed and unable to live life to the full. God bless you and keep you and give you the strength one day soon to have a happy life Trish xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    • mitsanuk says:

      Hahaha, sorry Trish but I was reading your message then suddenly burst into laughter at ‘not too distant furniture’. Thank you for the very unintended laugh!! Your message meant so much to me and thank you so very much for taking the time to write to me, it is very much appreciated xxxx

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      • Trish Balshaw says:

        Michelle – it will teach me to proof read my emails ha ha but delighted it made you laugh, I hate flipping autocomplete and predictive text!! Keep the faith and please keep in touch xx

        Sent from my iPad from Trish

        >

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      • mitsanuk says:

        It will be a pleasure xx

        Like

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