This week has been a massive explosion of emotions. The beginning of the week was extremely overwhelming in a great way and extremely humbling for me. The feedback following my interview on ITV News was immense. I only received 4 negative comments from people I don’t even know but I have covered that in my previous blog.
The difficult part of the week was trying to absorb some news I think I was half expecting but not prepared for. You all know by now that I plucked up the courage to confront my sexual abuser and that the police had taken him in for questioning. So he admitted everything to the police and was posted out on bail. I woke up Thursday morning to a text from my sister asking me to call her. She told me that she had seen some messages on Facebook which led her to believe my abuser was dead. Later that day a detective knocked on my door and confirmed the news. My abuser was dead…..
I won’t find any further details out until Monday but it was just such a shock. Since then I have had a whole heap of emotions. I was completely stunned for quite some time, emotionally numb. Then I started to worry that perhaps it was my fault. Maybe if I hadn’t confronted him he would still be alive. Then again the bastard (sorry nan & grandad) took my innocence resulting in me never being able to enjoy a full, complete relationship. He took away the most prescious thing anyone has in their life so why should I feel guilty about his loss of life. I was sat with my mum yesterday afternoon and I just blurted out “can you believe _______ is dead….” I just can’t believe it and still can’t. I cannot erase it from my mind as much as I try to do, it just doesn’t feel real.
So when the detective was talking to me she said that I might be angry because I now won’t have my day in court. She said I may feel like I no longer have closure. So what is closure anyway?
“….an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity”.
When I knocked on his door and he opened it he looked weak and pathetic. He gave me an admission and then admitted all to the police. From the definition above I have received my closure. It certainly wasn’t the direction I thought this was going to go in but nethertheless it is an ending. The only question left is that I will never know why but do you know what, it just was…..End task.