Looking but not seeing.

This morning was quite bizarre for me. I woke up far too early but couldn’t lie in bed any longer. I had quite a random dream that I couldn’t quite shake. As with a few of my dreams I’m still in the RAF and out on exercise. We are all dressed in the old, dark green and brown combat clothing and it’s pretty cold outside. We all seem to be under test situations but then suddenly we are taken by surprise when someone opens fire on us all. The guy to the left of me, who I knew but I couldn’t tell you who it was, had been shot in the legs and through the chest. He just slumped to the floor. I dived to the floor and crawled towards him. He was screaming and I was trying to tell him to be quiet so ‘they’ couldn’t hear him. When I got close he was bleeding profusely from the top of his thigh. It looked like a femoral bleed and a very bad one. The only option I had initially was to put my fist into it and apply pressure, at which point he screamed again. He grabbed hold of my other arm, grabbing my sleeve and pulling me towards him. He was crying and saying over and over “don’t let me die….”. Suddenly there was a burst of rounds coming our way again, this time hitting a group in front of us. Three people fell to the ground screaming but there was nothing I could do because if I took my fist out of this guys wound he would bleed to death. The wound was too high for me to be able to fit a tourniquet so I had no other option. I started screaming and then I woke up. My right hand was in a fist and when I opened it I had nail marks on my palm! It took me a short while to come round and pull myself out of bed!

I took my little girl for a walk and then forced some breakfast down, a 4 weetabix day for me!! On my drive to Stretford I was miles away without actually realising I was if that makes any sense. I was looking in front and around me but clearly not seeing very much because the front end of my car nearly ended up in the back of a Citroën. For some reason the car in front suddenly stopped and I was milli seconds from meeting the occupants of the vehicle. I couldn’t tell you what happened but if I hadn’t reacted as quickly as I did the day could have turned a very different page completely. I’m sure my Vauxhall kissed the Citroën but they didn’t stop so I just carried on.

This is the kind of situation that I worry about after a shocking dream. Can you see now why driving for 2 hours on a motorway to a therapy session and then back again may pose a problem? This morning was entirely my fault but what can I do about it? If I stay at home every time this happens there is no way I will be able to hold down a full time job. However, if I risk going out like I did today knowing I’m ‘not in the game’, I’m putting myself and potentially others at risk. What am I to do….frustrating.com!!


About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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3 Responses to Looking but not seeing.

  1. shaun says:

    I say, Get some Hypnotherapy, NLP and EFT, NLP IS USED BY GARY CRAIG IN USA AND IS BRILL FOR PTSD. I have a great selection of his work with vets from nam. get some decent therapy


  2. Ve says:

    Hi sweetie. Great article. I don’t think many people can imagine how your mind goes “on the fast thoughts treadmill” when a severe bout of anxiety hits. It must be hard to relate to, but I think you managed to describe it really well. I can’t offer any other wee bits of insight but safe to say I’m glad you didn’t meet the front car occupants! X


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