When you’ve been there, you just know…

I’m currently sat in my onsie, reclined on the sofa trying to keep my eyes open. Yet I guess as soon as I go to bed I will be wide awake!! This last week was just a complete washout!! So halfway through the course at Pheonix House I started feeling a little grotty with a niggling sore throat. By Monday just gone I was feeling it a bit more. However, I completed 2 days of painting for my friends as promised. By Tues night I started feeling really grotty (and snotty) and spent the next couple of days in a really sorry state, lying on my sofa with a blanket around me. I was completely wiped out. I had to finally listen to my body and shut it down for a couple of days.

Eventually I was able to lift my head off the pillow by Friday. For most of the week it felt like I had been punched in the face and my head was pounding. The sad thing about it was that I had to keep away from my grandparents house because I didn’t want them to catch whatever it was I had. They are both already quite poorly and fragile and they didn’t need to be catching the lurgy on top of everything else. I see them virtually every day, even for just 10 minutes so I really struggled with not seeing their gorgeous faces.

Yesterday was the first time I had socialised for a little while and despite still feeling a tad grotty (and snotty), I wanted to go because I would also be making a further step forward in my recovery (as well as escaping cabin fever)! I have signed up as a crew member to support LFEST 2015 which entails touring Pride venues promoting the annual festival. Now, anyone who has attended a Pride event will know how busy, noisy and rowdy they become. Although I was slightly concerned, I was confident that following the treatment afforded me by The Speakmans I would be ok. Well let me tell you, I was more than ok, I had an absolute ball !!!!!! All the photos on Facebook show that the promotional day was indeed a success for the festival and more so for myself! I drove back in the early hours of this morning absolutely elated. I had spent the day with some great friends and talking to a lot of strangers. I even stayed in a small pub called The Kings Bar which was celebrating its opening night. It was very crowded because everyone went to watch the drag kings in action! This was a great venue to work the crowd with promo and I managed to stay til the end. It was very busy with everyone singing and dancing along with the acts but guess what; I was one of those people!!!! I’m certainly feeling it now though, I’m absolutely shattered but very, very happy to be. I had achieved what I had set out to do that day and I was extremely happy. I had just the best time with some amazing people.

So those of you who have suffered, and still suffer from anxiety and panic attacks for whatever reason, take any small positive step because they have the potential to be a massive achievement. Some days will be good, some days will be pretty damn grotty but do you know what, you get through every moment. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how very tight they can get but I promise they won’t stop you taking those small steps forward if you want to. The strongest, most courageous thing you can do is to decide to keep walking. So where are you going??

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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5 Responses to When you’ve been there, you just know…

  1. baseperspective says:

    Love, love and love this. The end about ‘where are you going’ really is fantastic. Truly good writing Hun xx

    Like

  2. baseperspective says:

    Love, love and love this. The ending of ‘where are you going’ really is powerful. Great writing Hun xx

    Like

  3. Kevin says:

    bless you xxx Jeremiah 29:11 says it all. will speak soon, taking baby steps at the moment with my positive pants on . . . . .

    Like

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