Take it from me, its worth the fight.

I’m currently lounging on the couch in the caravan in Devon. It’s my first day of a 2 week holiday here at Woolacombe Bay. I’m going to take 2 weeks to hopefully finish writing my book. It’s going to be gorgeous weather here so there will be a balance between being out and about and sat indoors typing!! It will be worth it though when I’ve finished it. I’ve been trying to complete it for quite some time but I’ve had too many others things distracting me at home!! Fingers crossed I will get it done but if I don’t at least I will break the back with it!

So I thought I would provide an update on how I am doing since withdrawing from my medication. I’m doing bloody great!!!!! I haven’t even thought about them at all, no dizzy spells, no weird sensations of pins pricking my head and no urge to go back on them. I have noticed that I’m becoming easily agitated again but not enough for me to need to go back on them. I have been much more awake and able to cope with daily life. I’m getting jobs done and I’m feeling motivated. I haven’t felt like this for so long. I can get away with being a little more agitated – just don’t ‘pee’ me off 😆😆

I sat down the other day and I was having a look back on my life and thought “blimey I’ve been through some things”. Do you know what though, I’ve survived everything thrown at me and I’m still standing! It’s been so very difficult and I’ve not been able to do it all on my own. When I think back to the first time I tried to kill myself I laugh loudly. I was probably around 10ish and I had heard that lead can kill you. What I did was put lead into my BCG scar which had just been done. I had one of those pencils where the lead is placed inside. I pierced my BCG scar with the metal end of the pencil and pressed the end so the lead came out. I then snapped the lead and left a piece inside the scar. How ridiculous that I thought this would kill me but back then all I knew was that lead was poisenous! The amount of times I’ve thought about ending my life since then is in triple figures but something has always given me a reason to hang on. I can honestly say I have not thought about ending my life for the last few months since receiving treatment. I feel blessed.

I have survived bullying, child abuse, 2 miscarriages, constant battle with an eating disorder and a tough journey with PTSD. Sadly with everything I’ve experienced I have grown a tough outer skin, like a rhinos skin. This is not always good though because it can be a barrier to happier times. It’s becoming softer slowly but surely, but there is some way to go just yet.

I think of most of my days like the weather to be fair. One day can be so very different to the next but you have some idea of where your days going to go. Some days it’s nice and sunny, other days are gloomy, overcast and a tad windy (especially after beans)!!!! But do you know what, it doesn’t actually matter what it’s like because I can now prepare better for whatever the day has in store for me. I know what the next 2 weeks have in store for me but just remember my good friends, one foot in front of the other. Taking one step at a time is all you can do and the steps I’m taking just now are the best I’ve taken in such a long time. Just take my journey on board guys and think ‘well she has gone through all that and still managed to survive – it’s definitely worth the fight’.
I can tell you all, it is very much worth the fight.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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