Disordered eating.

I thought long and hard about wroting this blog because I felt ashamed and embarressed. However, I know its not only me who understands and I think it’s important to get this out there. How many of you can relate to this:

Eating until your beyond full,
Feeling guilty for eating,
Drinking something gassy to help,
Make an excuse and go to the loo,
Pull down trousers in case someone walks in,
Fingers to back of throat,
(Sometimes it’s easy food dependant),
Phlem comes up first,
It can come out in lots or will take a few attempts,
Place 2 fingers down,
Made your eyes water and nose run,
Wiped any evidance from toilet,
Made sure it all flushed away,
Smelling sick on nose and breath,
Immediate feeling of guilt,
Nose runs for a while after,
Throat hurts for a day or 2,
Teeth start to discolour.

I have done this so many times after battling with my weight. Friday before I left for holiday I sat and stuffed a 10 inch pizza with extra cheese and 2 slices of garlic bread. I immediately wanted to go upstairs and get rid of it all because I’m feeling so fat. Thankfully for the last couple of years I haven’t actually gone through with making myself sick, despite a regular battle with wanting to.

I have always struggled with my weight and appearance. Despite going to the gym or being so active I still feel and look like I have a blubber belly. Granted I haven’t been to the gym for a little while now but I’ve been really active of late. Being on the medication for a long while hasn’t helped and I would be lying if I said that wasn’t one of the reasons for coming off the meds. I look in a mirror and all I can see looking back at me is back flab and dog chops….

The good thing is that I’m quite aware of it on a daily basis and up to now I’m staying focused. I’m not a great eater at the best of times and I know I don’t eat the right things but at least I keep it down. I’m that determined not to go back there that I opened my mouth to my mum and the words came out ‘I’m worried I’m going to do it again’…


About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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