Yesterday my nanna and grandad celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary. They are so amazing together and not many can say they have stuck it out. They admit it wasn’t easy for them but love conquered and here they are. It brought me round to thinking about my life. It would be wonderful to think I could find somebody one day, but then other days I think I’m doing ok on my own. The few relationships I’ve had have been disastrous so far and I’m worried about venturing into anything again.
I made the mistake of letting someone go many years ago. Someone who understood me and my foibles. Nothing has really worked since for various reasons. One or 2 relationships have gone by the wayside because I let my past rule my head. Once it was in there again the walls became too tough to break down. My ex left me in the throws of my PTSD struggles saying I was, quote: “fucked up in the head and noone will ever want you..” and some further choice words. Obviously we haven’t spoken since!
I have had to battle through so much in my life so you can understand and forgive some insecurities. Not one person can head into a relationship without some history behind us. However, that history makes us all unique and special in our own way, yet we all have something beautiful to bring into any relationship. Despite people’s foibles each one of us has beauty on the inside as well as on the outside, something to offer another soul.
I’ve sat in my sanctuary, my lovely home, protecting myself from being hurt, let down or being cheated on. The walls have been standing firm. Most of the time I’m actually quite comfortable on my own, but I would be kidding myself if I said I didn’t want to open my heart up to someone. Self preservation is ok to a point but it can also be extremely detrimental. I now believe I need to put the past behind me and move forward, allowing the inner wall to crumble in time. I am sure a lot of you reading this can relate to some of the things I’m talking about. We have a bad relationship, go into self protection mode, feel sorry for ourselves, then decide it’s no use wallowing and try to move on. We then meet someone else but can’t give them our all for fear of being hurt again. The thing is, because we are not giving our all, we then push the other person away and we are hurting again….. I think you get where I’m going. We either open up (slowly but surely) or we remain on our own. In my experience it’s all about timing, I’m not going to push myself into anything but I’m certainly open to being in a relationship now. What say you?