My heads so messy….

I have just sat down feeling really ‘messy’ in the head after going through my wardrobe to try to find something to wear for tomorrow!!

I’ve spent the last few weeks looking for a suit to wear for an interview. I walked from shop to shop, department store to designer outlets and not a ladies suit was seen. Why is it so difficult to find a suit? Do they not wear them for interviews anymore? To be fair I haven’t had an interview for quite a number of years so I may be completely out of touch with this. Call me old fashioned but I always think it’s appropriate to wear a suit for interviews.

Writing this gives me the outlet I need and reading it back will give me the shake up I need!!

So anyway, I couldn’t find a new suit so tonight I worked through my wardrobe to try on the clothes I already had. That’s when my head started to become really messy. My ‘old faithful’ suit was a bit too tight and would make me feel so uncomfortable sitting in the interview. I decided, unwisely, to try on other items in the wardrobe and at least half didn’t fit me. All I could think about throughout the ‘trying on process’ was how fat I was!!

I have been cutting down on the food I eat, watching what I eat and keeping active yet I’m not losing any weight!! I actually thought I’d been doing ok and starting to lose weight but my clothes tell me different. I am really struggling to keep my head in a good place with this but tonight I want to cry.

Cry with disgust at how fat I’m allowing myself to get. Disappointed at the very slow progress I’m making and worried I won’t keep a handle on it. I really am trying to but it’s truly hard. I don’t want to eat but if I don’t then I will get ill again. Has anyone else been where I am now? Hanging on by the skin of your teeth? I don’t understand; I’m doing all the right things but not getting any of the results.

I kinda feel a little isolated with this battle whilst so much is going on around me. I feel so selfish feeling this way but I can’t seem to see beyond it. With noone to talk to about it I just have to try to battle through. I’ve been here before and got through it and I will get through it again. I just gotta lose some weight!!

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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2 Responses to My heads so messy….

  1. Matt says:

    My wife is fighting a battle with her weight and it took her a while to accept that it’s going to take a while so she’s settled in for the long haul and 8 weeks in, folks are noticing changes and her clothes are looser. I love her but also really admire the effort she puts in. V. Proud of her determination.
    Eat a healthy balanced diet with smaller than usual portions, maybe 3/4 your norm, avoid too many carbs (don’t cut them out, no need, but they’re usually the hidden demon in food) and exercise regularly both cv type stuff, sigh and low intensity, and circuit type stuff to tone and condition your body.
    3 ‘sessions’ a week is a good base but that obviously depends on your calendar.
    You’re doing great Mich, you don’t look out of shape no matter how you feel. Hang in there and you’ll get the rewards you deserve.
    Much love, Matt.

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