Just a bump in the road.

My head has been so crazy busy and I have so many things to do, yet my mind won’t release any of the information to start me off. I feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. My head actually feels heavier than my body and my ears are buzzing, its like a CPU on a computer, overheating due to having no outlet. I sometimes wish I could climb back in the womb and start again, exhaustion is taking over my days and I find myself having to just shut myself away and just sit.

It’s been such a crazy couple of weeks encompassing so many different emotions. A few things have happened but the main worry was that my nan was rushed into hospital having not long come home from a previous admission. Just over 2 weeks later she was finally discharged. At certain times during her time in hospital I thought we would lose her. The worst thing throughout all of this was seeing the pain in my nanna and grandads eyes knowing what could have happened, and what is to come.

My nan sadly now needs 24hr care which cannot be given at home. Last night she was discharged from hospital and moved into a room in a nursing home close by. I know she will be completely taken care of and she will be fine. It is so very sad though because my nanna and grandad have been together over 65 years. This is the first time they have been apart except for hospital visits. Everyone accepts it’s the right thing for nanna but it doesn’t make it any less painful for them. Grandad can spend all day at the home which he has done today. He sounded positive on his return, he had been looked after by the staff there. Things will settle down for them, it’s just so sad but at least they still have each other. Growing old is such a horrible thing sometimes.

Another couple of things also happened, mainly within the last week. I bought a gorgeous puppy who I named Candy. I thought she would be great company for Mitsy whilst I’m out and about. Sadly it didn’t quite turn out like that as after a few days Mitsy snapped and went for the pup. She only wanted to play but I guess Mitsy is a bit long in the tooth for playing with a puppy. I was absolutely mortified because I was completely smitten with Candy. I loved to cuddle her and see her sweet face. I had trained her to potty outside and she was doing really well. Sadly following Mitsys ‘moment’ I needed to take her back. What I wasn’t prepared for was the gut wrench I felt having to hand her back. Three days on and I still feel like I want to cry. I think of her lots throughout the day and can’t seem to let her go. She will be happy because she’s gone back to her siblings and mummy and daddy pooch. She will be able to play around quite happily as puppy’s do. Candy was so very cute though and I just want to go and pick her up and bring her home again.

If emotions haven’t been heavy enough, today I had a visit from the RAF, my personal resettlement officer, who took my military ID away. It was like a massive punch in the gut for me. All those years serving and it comes down to this. A piece of paper with a date on it, a date which signifies the end of my military career. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel just now but to be fair I just feel numb. What am I supposed to do at this point. I won’t be starting work in Wigan and I am at a loss at what to do next. I feel lost….

I really don’t know why I keep getting so upset about the puppy, except to say it’s probably an accumulation of things and that was the final straw. I can’t settle to anything and have absolutely no idea about what I want to do next.

I hit a bump in the road this last week or two and I’m trying really hard to keep the steering on track.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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