Looking through the window…

So how many of us have been building walls for years? Sadly I fear I have built mine so high even I can’t break it down. It isn’t because I don’t want to let anyone else in. I think that because I have spent so long trying to protect myself, I just dont know how to let anyone in anymore. This goes beyond the child abuse, naff relationships and PTSD. These certainly had an impact on me shutting down for sure. I spent that long trying to protect myself I just don’t know how to let anyone in.

The only way I can explain how I’m feeling is to try to imagine that as a child you have chicken pox or measles. There is this truly awesome party that’s going to break all records and everyone is there except you. You are staring out of your window watching everyone else having a good time, dancing away, hugging each other and having the best time. All this is going on and it is just out of reach. You could take a risk and go and join the party but what if you infect others…

I truly want to let someone in and be part of something special but everytime I’ve attempted this I’ve pushed them away. Things can be going really well but then all of a sudden, without warning I switch off. I try to stick with it but then I think backing off is a good thing because then I won’t hurt the people I care about. I would rather crawl back behind my wall. Not only to protect me but to protect them also, they just don’t know that.

In my eyes I’m damaged goods and I can’t expect others to understand what’s going on with me. For gods sake I don’t even know what’s going on myself. How is it that I can be so close with someone but then suddenly go cold??? I would love someone to try to work that one out for me because I sure as hell can’t.

For so long now I’ve sat in coffee shop windows, looking at passers by as I drink my latte. Couples walk around hand in hand smiling, families walking together pushing prams and smiling. There is nothing more lovely than watching an old couple walking hand in hand, such a beautiful rare sight these days. I look around the coffee shop and see couples talking about ‘whatever’, I see couples maybe having a disagreement and I also see couples not even talking but do you know what? I want to be a part of that, all of it. But how can I be when when everything just shuts off inside me.

I merely want to be the reason someone wakes up in a morning with a smile on their face. I sometimes wish I didn’t have both sides of the bed to myself. I say sometimes only because it’s nice to stretch out! 😉 I want to come home to someone as happy to see me as Mitsy is, or be at home waiting to greet a loved one.

I don’t really know what the answer is. I’m too frightened to get involved because I just don’t know what on earth will happen. I guess it’s time I took a leap of faith….

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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