Who does your heart beat for?

So I was sat in the crew room Thursday night, almost through a 12 hour shift and contemplating 2015. As I sat there the wind and rain was battering the window behind me. I was preparing for a dreadful drive home in the midst of Storm Frank. I was sensible enough to take it steady as others will no doubt rush past me coating my car in the spray they leave behind them!! Meaning I would have to press the windscreen washers which, from the smell of the wash, would take me straight back to the hospital room and bed where my Uncle lay dying.

This freak weather has really battered towns surrounding my community causing shocking flooding in places. Evacuation shelters where being set up as people had been asked to leave their homes for their own safety. All this happening while others take for granted the light they can switch on, the food they can cook and the heating which will wrap comfortably around them. Their lives not really affected by this torrential downpour. It’s really difficult for people to comprehend the huge impact these floods have had on some people. Homes ruined, lives lost, pets lost and living in fear of further damage to come.

What has warmed my heart is the outpouring of support from local communities. Whilst the government sitting safe in their ivory towers are nice, warm and toasty, making decisions (sometimes) and taking photo opportunities from other peoples struggles, gorgeous, good hearted people are doing all they can to help those around them. Local businesses are providing items to help clean up following the disastrous events and thankfully our local councils are supporting in any way they can and people are ‘feeling the warmth’ from those helping then.

Throughout this time life is just going on, people are trudging out to work, some are still celebrating christmas, others are living through the stressors surrounding their just bearable lives whilst others are standing in miles of queues in the hope of grabbing a ‘bargain’ in the not so real sales!! Sadly for some this period of ‘celebration’ hasn’t been that great. For some, Christmas and New Year is a time that has become a period to dread. It’s sadly not all tinsel and toys…..

As 2015 disappears and 2016 makes its noise I reflect on the recent past I am leaving behind. This time last year I was in a very dark place and planning on ways I could end the misery which smothered me. Today I am able to stand and say that I am not in that place anymore. I have come through some horrific experience throughout my life and I’m still standing and my heart is still beating.

Aside from those horrific things going on I have also been plagued by the fact I was never putting myself first. I can’t think of many times at all where I have actually done that. I always like to help and please other people and sometimes that really has been to the detriment of myself. I truly think this caused some of the depression I slumped in and out of for so long. I would miss out on so many good things so that others would be happy with what they wanted from me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean those imminently close to me because I would drop anything in a shot for those guys. That will NEVER be in question at all, it’s those that I’m trying to help and please who could in fact help themselves I’m talking about. Sadly if you start doing things like this then it will be expected of you and you become wrapped up in it. When saying no becomes too difficult a word to say and you start losing out on things you really want or need then somethings got to happen. The problem I have is trying to do too much for other people and not enough for myself. I’m my own worst enemy because I like to see someone else smile and if I’ve made that happen then even better! I’m 43 now though and still turning down or cancelling things I want to do because I might need to do this or that. I also worry far too much about what other people think of me but why does it matter to me so much? I truly believe it’s because of how I was treated as a child and the lack of true friends throughout my early years. I’m trying to hard when in fact I don’t need to. People will either like me or they won’t. I’m not going to let people walk all over me anymore and why should I? It’s happened for far too long and it’s not going to happen any more.

I am not going to make any new year resolutions but I am going to do one thing. I’m going to put myself first a little more than I did before; and when I get used to that feeling I will increase the consideration I give to myself some more. I will continue to do that until I find a happy balance. I need to remind myself that it’s not who your heart beats for but what it beats for. My heart beats in order to keep me alive. To keep ME alive, noone else. Now as long as my heart beats it’s giving me life, life I need to live, I need to live for ME. I’m not a robot or a machine that is built with a circuit or a cog to keep it running in order to carry out a job for something or someone else. I am a human being who needs to live the life I have been afforded. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe everyone has a purpose in life, but you cannot carry out that purpose if at first you don’t look after yourself. I will slowly ensure this is drummed into my mind and I may just give my ‘self’ a break and take some time for me. I will continue to help people and I will continue with my charity work in earnest because I believe this is my purpose and I truly love doing it, it’s my nature. But I will promise my ‘self’ that I will give time for my own needs and wants. I will learn that it isn’t selfish to do this, it’s the right thing to do. I don’t think I have found my own true self just yet because I have given too much time to other things and people. I’m going to find who Michelle is in 2016. Maybe this just is who I am but it’s time to find out for sure. Do you know who you truly are? Do you give too much time to others and don’t really have time for yourself? Find the ‘stop’ button and just give yourself time.

Who does my heart beat for? Mine it beats for me!

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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