My mixed up soul.

A couple of days ago I was just coming downstairs from moving furniture and a lady turned up at the door with a memory stick in an evidance bag. It had a yellow plastic tag on and a cardboard tag with details of contents, name of person who signed for the item and date received. This lady then introduced herself as a police lady who replaced the one who initially visited to take a statement from me almost a year to the date.

My mind went straight back to that day on 16 Jan 15. The day I confronted the man who had sexually abused me from the age of 9. At 42 years of age I stood almost to attention in front of him and challenged him. I then drove home in a daze and called the police. I can still see the copper sat on my sofa asking me all about the abuse; when it started etc. The next few days I was uncomfortable with what had happened and what was to come next. Almost a week passed before they took him in for questioning and he admitted everything. The police officer came to the house to tell me that he had admitted what he did to me all those years ago. A week later he was dead….

I’m still not sure how I feel about him dying. Some days I feel bad that he died and that I may have caused it but then other days I really don’t care. That may sound callous but what he did still affects me today. He has escaped the court case and people finding out what he did whilst I feel I’ve been serving a sentence from the very start of it all. I have had years of trying to settle into a relationship. I’ve battled with my sexuality not knowing if the battle was purely down to the decision on wether I’m gay or not, or if I was questioning my sexuality because he has put me off men for life. I don’t need to put a label on myself and it matters not who I fall for. I’m not afraid of being in a same sex relationship if that happens, it’s not about that at all. I have only ever had 2 successful relationships, both of which I threw away. One was with a man and one was with a woman so it really is difficult to sort my head out with everything. As soon as anything becomes personal or intimate I push people away but I can’t really explain why. My emotions just seem to shut down and I can’t control it. I crave the intimacy but that’s fighting against the fear of being hurt or rejected.

Am I alone in feeling all this or have others gone through, or going through something similar? I wish I knew how to control it. I am constantly saying that I’m ok to be alone because I’m very independent and for the most part this is true. However, I look at couples enjoying each other, going to special places, having fun and doing standard coupley type things and I sometimes wish I could have that. Is any of this making sense?

On Saturday evening I went out to a friends birthday party in town. I was looking forward to going but I was travelling alone as usual. I envisaged having to wait alone until my friends arrived but thankfully one or 2 had already arrived. It was a cracking night but I was surrounded by couples and I couldn’t help wishing I could share times like this with someone special. My group of friends are truly amazing and I love spending time with them, and they always make me feel a full part of the group.

I sound like I’m moaning but I hope this doesn’t come across like that. I’m blessed and I know I am, I just cannot rid myself of the ghosts of my past. Everywhere I turn there are reminders of my lack of ability to forge a decent relationship. I really don’t mean to hurt anyone but this is how it always ends up. It’s tragic really because the past still hurts me and because of this I have hurt others by dropping relationships without giving them a decent chance to work. Sadly Im always looking for something to go wrong so I put a stop to things before it does. Not sure where I can go from here with it all to be fair. I am genuinely content with the life I have but equally I know it could be so much more. How many times do you keep on trying?

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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2 Responses to My mixed up soul.

  1. Ron Wright says:

    hi Michelle, its Ron (jersey was great)
    I’ve just read your last blog?, and in answer to your never ending questions, I was brought up with the similar circumstances, mine was adopted, beaten and abused, left home for the army at 16 and didn’t go back.
    I had the chance to stand up to the ………thing as I call him but chickened out taking the easy option in my eyes. biggest mistake I ever made, not confronting it, but at the time I took the attitude to work on my new life and make a success of MY family, wife kids and dog.

    doesn’t work that easy. I’ve managed, unintentionally to push people close to me away, I had the attitude “I’m a man, this doesn’t matter, I’m hard and a squaddie”.
    basically, try and think past the past. I’ve also found the PTSD of more recent years has brought all the memories as well. he died of cancer, so got away with it.

    don’t ponder on the things that happened, definitely don’t feel guilty for him, hate him but don’t let him direct your life………..everyone is different, so find the person you want for your partner and make the most of them as life is too short.

    take care

    Ron

    Like

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