Sometimes I just feel like I’m drowning.

So another week has gone by and what a week it was!!!! I’m exhausted but I’m down south doing a bit of dog sitting and a ‘rest’. It’s been a strange week to be fair and this next week is required to recharge and regroup. I have a busy few weeks ahead and a few projects to start work on. That along with a number of talks that are booked in. The foundation I set up is starting to grow and I don’t mind saying I’ve had a few wobbles along the way.

My NHS work is good but really frustrating. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to work as a paramedic again following a couple of years away. Granted I’m not on frontline duties but I am on the end of a phone line trying to assertain whether someone on the phone needs an emergency ambulance or not. It’s trying to make a decision on the need for an emergency ambulance without being in front of them. It really angers me when ‘people’ quite obviously play the system and get away with it. People like this should be fined because it isn’t just the assets allocated to that job that is at risk. Imagine the call….

I triage a patient over the phone and it was not deemed to be a medical emergency. I stated that an ambulance would be allocated but not sure on timescale. The caller became angry but agreed to my suggestion of perhaps going to the hospital that was VERY close to their home. They put the phone down on me but as I was inputting my notes the caller had called 999 again saying the patient was in cardiac arrest. I felt sick to the stomach thinking I had missed something and I felt dreadful. Long story short, 4 assets were allocated to rush to their address only to find they weren’t in cardiac arrest!!!! So as I said, it’s not only the assets that are affected. Someone else who actually may have been in cardiac arrest could have died, morale of the staff on the ground would have taken a hit along with my confidence. It makes me dislike the job sometimes if I’m honest but what can I do about it. Many people critise the ambulance response times and the service provided but actually turn that on its head to where some of the problems lie. Very frustrating and soul destroying sometimes that’s for sure.

So, back to the wobbles I’ve been having about the Foundation. I’m used to working hard but my capacity has reduced considerably since I became unwell. I’m getting myself to grips with everything again but it’s taking some time sadly. The Foundation is becoming busy as our service user list grows and I had a little wobble about wether I could handle it all. Things get on top of me a lot quicker than they used to and sometimes I feel so consumed by it all I think it’s going to smother me sometimes! When then happens is that I have to step back from everything and take a deep breath. I then have to switch my mind off by watching TV or playing candy crush!!! I go for walks with Mitsy my lovely pooch but my mind doesn’t switch off then sadly. Once I’ve switched myself off I get back to it.

I’m blessed because as far as the Foundation is concerned I have such a great team of volunteers and together we will provide the support needed to all those who need us. I need to stop doubting myself and start working on getting my full mojo back. I’m not sure where my life is heading but I’m ready to take that ride along with any bumps in the road.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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