A week of revelations!

Whilst working from home this afternoon I was listening to Loose Women which I had recorded from earlier in the week. They were talking about Michael Pattemore who was Linda Bellinghams husband. She past away over a year ago now from Cancer bless her. We had been emailing on and off for the last 6mths prior to her passing and she was always a comfort to me. She had a lot of love for her boys and always spoke fondly of them. I read her emails again just recently and she was always talking about them.

So the ladies were talking about her sons not receiving the inheritance they were due and that Mr Spain as Michael was called, had been spending her money on holidays and a hair transplant. Sadly this is a common theme when someone passes and wills aren’t clear. I just felt so sorry for Linda because Michael was abusing her legacy and not taking care of her wishes.

It had me thinking and I physically stopped typing and sat back when realisation hit that at present I had noone to leave anything to. I have a house and money in the bank but what happens to all that when I go? Best I think about that because I don’t want it all going to ‘the state’. Not a chance!!

I had another realisation this week also. Throughout my blogs I have been talking about my struggles with PTSD. I had talked about how my ex had left me very early into my diagnosis. I was quite fair to him because I said I didn’t blame him for walking away. It’s so difficult to live with someone who has changed from the person you fell in love with. I guess though that if you love them you fight to keep the relationship. WELL…..I found out 2 days ago that he had been cheating on me with someone else quite a while before he left me. I’m not sure why but it really bothered me when I found out because I was going to marry him. I was living in a bubble and although I kept pushing him away I really wanted us to work. That sounds really random I know but it is what it is. I know the girl he is now married to (he married her around the time we should have been getting married so he didn’t mess about)! I spent time protecting him when in fact he may not have left me because of my PTSD, it could just be because he had met her. Or maybe both….doesn’t really matter though now.

So I was watching Emmerdale tonight (yes I know but I love my soaps). They are currently running a child abuse storyline and it’s been quite difficult to watch because they are going through the court case. I can’t help thinking I was cheated out of that moment. I didn’t know what to expect when I confronted ‘dead Derrick’. All I was thinking about was seeing his face when I finally confronted him. I watched the video again today and I still can’t believe it all happened. I’m just really glad he admitted everything to the police before he took his life. I guess he couldn’t face a court case and prison. Half of me is glad I didn’t have to face him again in a courtroom though but I would have done if I had to because he had to answer for what he did. The police did a pre-recorded interview with me though in case I didn’t want to go into court. Watching the court case on Emmerdale took me back….

Although I have no doubt that this experience in my childhood, along with other difficult events, have affected relationships, it can’t all be down to this. I have to allow someone back into my life and be fully open to a relationship. I have to now move forward because I can’t change what’s happened, all I can do is deal with the hear and now. I’m quite a catch me you know 🙂

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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