Twelve months ago I was actually done with this life and was ready to execute my exit plan. I have whizzed through the year pushing myself hard to prove to myself that I can bounce back to the person I once was. Well I’ve now come to realise that I can never be that person anymore and I have to be the new me.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been sat at home feeling completely detached from the world. I felt like crying but not sure why. I felt trapped but not sure why because I should be in charge of my own life right? How wonderful my life would be if only I was brave enough to take it on. Well now I am! This is actually going to be a revelation for some but so obvious to others.
I have a part time job working for the ambulance service as a Specialist Paramedic. I took this role on to try to prove to myself I could still practice as a paramedic, yet I wasn’t quite ready for going out on the road. The job started to get me down and it became more about keeping my head down and earning the money. Sadly I noticed my moods changing. During the 12 hour shifts my tolerance levels became very short. I was tense all the time which made me anxious. I was so drained by the end of the shifts I just wanted to sleep. I wasn’t going out and I really wasn’t happy. I was that tired other things where being left at home. I was leaving everything until the last minute and I was pretty much down on the world. So I was in a job I really didn’t enjoy to prove what?
I have been living in a house I thought would be my forever home but it had a few problems, not least the neighbours! I began to feel uncomfortable in my own home so back in February I viewed a lovely house and decided I wanted to buy it. The seller was buying a barge to live on with his dad but kept saying he didn’t want to leave his sanctuary. The house wasn’t without its faults but we agreed a price and the sale was going through. Then I noticed a problem with the roof to add to the faults. It was just too much of a risk and had to pull out. Little did I know that if I hadn’t then the seller was going to pull out and the house is no longer for sale. Lucky escape one would think but I almost didn’t pull out because I didn’t want to let the seller down but what would that prove?
Things started to build up inside me. Frustration more than anything I think but a lot of anger also; mainly at myself. My capacity levels have changed and I’ve noticed I’m not processing things the way I used to do. I struggle with this because I used to be able to do so much. I become annoyed really quickly and I’ve already mentioned my tolerance levels. A couple of key players left the Foundation over the last few months and I almost gave all that up also. However, I have to remember why I set up the Foundation in the first place and it spurs me on.
So what does this say about me and my life? I am not living it the way I want to. I wasn’t happy and I was just going through the motions. This is all proof that I wasn’t doing anything for the right reason, for my happiness, for me. Well that is now going to change and I’ve made the decision that I now need to live my way. I need to learn ‘How to be Happy’ as my good friends Nik & Eva tell me.
I have decided to rent for the foreseeable future and not be tied down to anywhere. I am giving up my paid job to concentrate fully on the Foundation. During this time I will also study to become a counsellor and hopefully work on my book. That’s my decision, I’m taking a leap of faith and I’m going to do it my way. Slam dunk.