I’ve done it every other way but now I’ll do it MY WAY.

Twelve months ago I was actually done with this life and was ready to execute my exit plan. I have whizzed through the year pushing myself hard to prove to myself that I can bounce back to the person I once was. Well I’ve now come to realise that I can never be that person anymore and I have to be the new me.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been sat at home feeling completely detached from the world. I felt like crying but not sure why. I felt trapped but not sure why because I should be in charge of my own life right? How wonderful my life would be if only I was brave enough to take it on. Well now I am! This is actually going to be a revelation for some but so obvious to others.

I have a part time job working for the ambulance service as a Specialist Paramedic. I took this role on to try to prove to myself I could still practice as a paramedic, yet I wasn’t quite ready for going out on the road. The job started to get me down and it became more about keeping my head down and earning the money. Sadly I noticed my moods changing. During the 12 hour shifts my tolerance levels became very short. I was tense all the time which made me anxious. I was so drained by the end of the shifts I just wanted to sleep. I wasn’t going out and I really wasn’t happy. I was that tired other things where being left at home. I was leaving everything until the last minute and I was pretty much down on the world. So I was in a job I really didn’t enjoy to prove what?

I have been living in a house I thought would be my forever home but it had a few problems, not least the neighbours! I began to feel uncomfortable in my own home so back in February I viewed a lovely house and decided I wanted to buy it. The seller was buying a barge to live on with his dad but kept saying he didn’t want to leave his sanctuary. The house wasn’t without its faults but we agreed a price and the sale was going through. Then I noticed a problem with the roof to add to the faults. It was just too much of a risk and had to pull out. Little did I know that if I hadn’t then the seller was going to pull out and the house is no longer for sale. Lucky escape one would think but I almost didn’t pull out because I didn’t want to let the seller down but what would that prove?

Things started to build up inside me. Frustration more than anything I think but a lot of anger also; mainly at myself. My capacity levels have changed and I’ve noticed I’m not processing things the way I used to do. I struggle with this because I used to be able to do so much. I become annoyed really quickly and I’ve already mentioned my tolerance levels. A couple of key players left the Foundation over the last few months and I almost gave all that up also. However, I have to remember why I set up the Foundation in the first place and it spurs me on.

So what does this say about me and my life? I am not living it the way I want to. I wasn’t happy and I was just going through the motions. This is all proof that I wasn’t doing anything for the right reason, for my happiness, for me. Well that is now going to change and I’ve made the decision that I now need to live my way. I need to learn ‘How to be Happy’ as my good friends Nik & Eva tell me.

I have decided to rent for the foreseeable future and not be tied down to anywhere. I am giving up my paid job to concentrate fully on the Foundation. During this time I will also study to become a counsellor and hopefully work on my book. That’s my decision, I’m taking a leap of faith and I’m going to do it my way. Slam dunk.

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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