My grandad, my father, my friend.

I’m sat in McDonald’s having a coffee trying to feel something other than numb, something other than that terrible yearning for what I have now lost. My eyes feel like there is an ocean building up around them and I’m constantly trying to fight back the flow for fear they won’t stop. They leak quite often and my face aches so much. I’m trying so hard to rid the horrible sickly feeling at the pit of my stomach. That same feeling you get when something terrible is about to happen. Except it’s already happened and there’s nothing I can do about it….

I am sat upstairs in McDonalds and there is noone else sat around. I chose the seat that was farthest away to ensure I don’t get caught up in any small talk that might occur. The music is really loud and quite upbeat. I’ve avoided listening to my car stereo for fear of any song that would trigger unbearable emotion. I started listening really hard to every word of the songs to try to link it in any small way to my grandad but then I just gave up trying.

I just can’t believe I’ve lost him; it just doesn’t seem real. But sadly it is real and I can no longer sit with my confidant. He was always good to talk to and I could say anything to him without judgement. He was my sounding board for any decision or plan I was building, he was my voice of reason. I’ve had to arrange a couple of appointments for the coming days and I caught myself twice checking timings to make sure they fit in with the times I would have been taking (or picking up) my grandad up from/to my nan’s nursing home.

I’ve now moved everything into my house but hardly unpacked a thing. I moved in because my grandad was looking forward to it more than me. He was counting how many sleeps I had left to moving in date. I’m meant to be doing some things now but I just keep moving bags from one side of the room to the other but not actually doing anything with them. I stare at the TV not really watching anything that’s on it. I’m just so very lost without him and don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I wake up every morning and for a few seconds everything is ok until it hits me. I see his white cap and striped scarf hanging off the back of my door, I see our black & white picture in the black frame on my window sill but then I don’t see him….I’ll never see him ever again.

On the 3rd Jun I lost my grandad, my father figure, the only man who has never hurt me, the only one who loved me no matter what. When I fell into my dark places my grandad was my reason for climbing back out.

My grandad, my friend, my life; rest now. Na night xx

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About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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