How to break the vicious cycle..

I’m just back from my first boxercise session. I am shattered but I’m glad I dragged myself to the gym. I’m trying to get out of the house a bit more because I end up working. I don’t mind saying I’m letting things get on top of me a bit. I’m eating junk and doing very little except working and it’s no one else’s fault but mine. I’m getting myself stressed out about the events I have booked for the foundation. I’m worried that no one will come but again, I’m putting that pressure on myself. If I’m not careful I’m going to get myself in a rut again. 

The other day I read these words but couldn’t tell you where from: “None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.” If only we could all live like this; we can in parts but nothing can be as perfect as this quote. 

What I have decided though is that I need to look after myself more. I need to cleanse myself of toxins that are preventing me from enjoying some of my life. As I sit here with a glass of water writing this my mind is already thick & fuzzy with the work I have to do today. I can feel myself starting to get worked up about what still needs to be done. I feel guilty for taking some time out because that’s time that I could be sorting something else out. Even during boxercise I was thinking “I should be home doing something off my task list”. I have emails to send, accounts to finish, events to organise, sponsors to find, event brochures to produce….

I don’t mind saying that at times I have thought about giving up the foundation because I get so consumed by all the work it takes to keep it going. I have these thoughts but then I think about the 108 service users we are currently helping. I also think about our volunteers who have also given up their time. It is a lot of work and some volunteers have left because it’s more of a commitment than they first realised. I’m so blessed to have a great team which makes it all work, some of whom are working really hard to provide a much needed service. The foundation wouldn’t exist at all without them and that spurs me on. Trying to run a charity is really hard work and not for the fainthearted but with a strong team behind me it can work. I believe passionately about my foundation and I will do anything to make it work. It’s helping so many people which is the very reason we exist. I didn’t have this support when I needed it and it needs to work. Sadly though that work just doesn’t stop but I have to learn to manage it to ensure it does stop for a period of time because I will not give up on it. I have to be hard with myself and find a good working structure. I have to try to keep to a set time each day and try to keep weekends free to actually take some time for me. Actually take time to socialise and do some things I like to do like walking, shopping, having a drink with friends. This all sounds great in principle but everytime I plan something I’m also thinking ‘how long will it be out, will I have time when I get back to do some work….’

The problem for me is that my mind doesn’t stop and I’m always thinking of what needs to be done. I don’t know how I can stop that from happening and the more I think about it, the more I need to be doing something. I’ve noticed my palpitations have made a reappearance and my headaches have increased again. Also I’ve noticed my weight is creeping back up. I’m eating easy, quick food that isn’t necessarily good for me. Mitsy my dog has a better diet than me!! I have all good intentions and buy food to make smoothies etc but then end up throwing food away because it’s gone off. 

I seriously need to look after myself more but I just don’t know how to get out of this vicious circle. I know what I need to do but I just can’t get a grip. Does anyone else have this problem? If you have come through the other side, how did you get out of the circle? It’s not as easy as it looks. I try to sort it out but then after a couple of days things start to slip and it all starts again…

About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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