A month ago I uploaded a video to my YouTube channel stating I was going to share my anger management sessions with you all. Four weeks down the line I have decided not to do this. This is primarily to protect others who are involved in this. The therapist decided following our first session, to use the CAT model of treatment which could last approximately 16 weeks if required.
The sessions have taken on a direction I wasn’t expecting and it’s been a shock to the system. To be fair it’s also been a reality check but in a positive way. I have to laugh though because for the last 2 weeks I’ve not been angry or agitated at all 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I joked about this with the therapist today and actually said ‘I feel like I should cancel the sessions seeing as I’m not getting angry!! On a serious note though, when you think your in a good place it’s too easy to think “all is good” and walk away from treatment. I have done this on a couple of occasions and it backfiresd. If you don’t address the cause then the symptoms just creep back in; ending up back at square one again.
As mentioned, my sessions have taken an unexpected turn and today’s session was not an easy one. My therapist stated that anger is the result of other emotions you’ve been unable to process for a prolonged period of time. I guess that kinda makes sense when you think about it. Hiding my emotions is something I have done since a very early age. Unable to express your emotions after being abused as a child, being bullied at school, struggling with an eating disorder, losing 2 babies, loss of precious relationships (mainly due to me pushing them away), living on high alert in Afghanistan, exposed to extremely high levels of trauma, struggling with PTSD, grieving for my grandparents; will eventually have to come out somehow. I’m shattered just reading all that!! Below is a photo of a diagram we have built up over the first few sessions, which was been a reality check for me. It produced a whole host of emotions which I had to try to break down and compartmentalise. I won’t explain it but see what you think of it…..
Today was difficult because the therapist had written a letter to me. Apparently some do this to consolidate and put into writing future relationship goals for both therapist and myself. I wasn’t expecting what was written…. it wasn’t a love letter though thankfully 🤣🤣 I felt a little awkward initially as it was read out from the sheet in front of her. It was basically a summary of what we had discussed to date and our future direction for treatment. Oh my goodness!!!! When your talking for an hour at a time, it’s not too bad trying to keep it together. In previous sessions I have managed to hold it in and when I thought I would crack I dug my finger nails into my palms to distract me. Anyone else ever done this? Today’s session though was different. Listening to another person reading out what you’ve been through was difficult and it caught my breath. I couldn’t hold my tears back and could feel one slowly making it’s way down my cheek. I dug my nails in so hard it brought me back into the room. I felt soooo drained after that, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.
I decided that I guess I’d better see the therapy through following my reaction to the letter. My head just felt so heavy and fuzzy, it was the strangest of feelings. That would be the overwhelming message I leave you all with if your in a similar situation. If your starting to feel good following a few sessions, don’t get blindsided and think you no longer need the support, it just means your moving forward but stay and finish what you started. You had the strength to put your hand up and ask for help, now find the strength to continue with it as I intend to. I feel great having not been angry for a couple of weeks at least now, but I can still feel so much better if I stick with it.
Before I left I had a little giggle and thanked my therapist sarcastically. I walked into the session smiling but left crying!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣