Sat on my sofa and I’m feeling very tearful. I’ve not actually cried but everything I’m watching on TV is making me catch my breath. I have absolutely no idea where it’s coming from. I guess it could be associated with the dream I had last night which included my nan and grandad perhaps? I miss them so very much and knowing I can’t just pop round and see them anymore still really hurts to the core. It could also be the fact I’ve been ill for over a week now and there seems to be no shaking it fully. It’s really getting me down; it’s been a total waste of a week and I don’t like that fact at all. Being ill has also highlighted the fact that I’m on my own…. I’m not the only one going through stuff though so just ignore me feeling sorry for myself!!
I have read all the kind messages from my friends on my Facebook posts and I value every one of them. Messages telling me to take notice of my body, of the fact it’s a sign I’ve been doing too much and that I should rest. To be honest I don’t know how to be anything other than busy. I think I know why; it’s because I’ve been so unwell with PTSD, losing a working life I thought I would always have. Losing also what amounted to 3 long years, haunted, trapped in a nightmare bubble, unable to see beyond ending my life. Since being released from the depths of darkness I promised myself I wouldn’t waste another second.
Being unable to hold down a full time job working for someone else, I am taking a huge leap of faith and deciding to go it alone. As I watch my money going down and down, as I invest it in set up costs, I worry that I won’t earn enough or I won’t charge enough. I am struggling with the concept of asking for a fee full stop so how on earth can I run a business?! I will say I am not out to hugely increase my bank balance but I do have to earn a living and can no longer work for free. I guess as well as pulling on my own strength to find the courage to charge, I am also calling on others not to request something for nothing knowing it will be hard to say no. I will continue with the charity sessions for free though, no question about that. The greatest gift of charity is to give what’s in your heart and that will never stop. Blimey, it’s hard trying to be an adult in the business world eh!!
So, I have a lot going on in my head, causing myself pressure I really don’t need. I know I need to slow down and stop fretting. I’m tearful because there is so much going on and I guess we all get overwhelmed eventually. I think I need to take a moment, step back from whatever is going on in my head…and imagine the world around me slowing down. I guess we can all do this and I’m sure there are others who could also benefit from this. When I get stressed or overwhelmed, my brain tells me to keep busy. I guess it’s my brain going into “fight, flight or freeze”. Sadly though this mode doesn’t give me much room to think and I just start stressing more. I have to learn to switch off but it’s so very difficult.
I do also think that the anger management sessions have had a part to play in how I’m currently feeling. I was actually relieved to be ill in Tuesday because it meant I couldn’t attend the session; I’m dreading next week’s already!! I know it will do me good but it’s all about timing and I truly hope I have the headspace to deal with those sessions as well as everything else going on. Time will tell I guess.
I have spent all day trying not to be sick and tried to sleep through most of it. I dont do being ill very well and I promise you I am resting I’m hoping that if I rest I will recover quicker. It’s not worked yet but fingers crossed eh.
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