I yearn for 1 more time…

I was stood at the door as my train pulled into the station, headphones on listening to some great tunes and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of sadness thinking of my grandad.

It’s almost 2 years since he passed but I still remember it like it was yesterday. Most of the time when I think about him I have a lump in my throat but that’s soon followed by a lovely smile. Just sometimes, I feel this overwhelming sadness but I am never in a place where I am able to let out the full extent of emotion I’m feeling. It never seems to be the right moment so it is suppressed again. I have no doubt that one day I’m not going to be able to stop it coming out full force.

I miss him every single day and I still see vividly his face as he left us. I’m just so pleased I was with him when he passed on. It was just so sudden, so unexpected despite the fact he’d just turned 90. None of us was prepared for it when he collapsed. Once I saw his obs and the rapid deterioration I knew he wouldn’t be leaving the hospital. We can all say, I just wish we could have just said this or could have said that but I know in my heart he knew what I would have wanted to say anyway. He knew I loved him, he knew how important he was to me and he also knew I would remember him daily. He also knew I would continue to look after my nan and mum who had also recently lost their son/brother.

My nan soon followed his journey and passed on and I was blessed to be be with her when that transition happened. My nan was so very poorly for a long time so it was expected. In fact, we had been called in a couple of times prior but she kept bouncing back. That meant it wasn’t such a shock and we had been in a position to say goodbye properly. It’s so very sad that they have both left this world but they are together again.

I feel really bad for saying and thinking this but I think the impact on losing my grandad was far greater because for one, it was so unexpected and secondly because we had been so close. He was my hero and my inspiration; the only man in my life to date who has never harmed me. I spent such a lot of time with him after I left the RAF, especially when my nan had to go into a nursing home and I miss those times.

I wanted him to be here so I could sit with him and tell him just how happy I’m becoming. How I’m finally making a successful new career for myself and that I am happier now than I have been in such a very long time. I’m currently on my way to RAF Cosford Museum to be filmed/interviewed for their ‘RAF Stories’ project. I feel humbled and blessed daily about the opportunities coming my way and I yearn for 1 final opportunity to pick up a chippy tea, 1 can of John Smith’s and 1 bottle of Corona, take it to his bungalow and sit with him, telling him my news whilst Last of the Summer Wine blasts out from his TV….

The photo attached is the last photo we had together, taken in A&E on the day he collapsed. Love & miss you every day grandad xx

About mitsanuk

I left the RAF in 2015 following 20 years as a frontline paramedic. It has been an amazing career but then found myself suffering because of this. My blog exists as an outlet for me as well as a place for others to read and try to understand the mind of someone with PTSD. Please feel free to make comment on any post and lets raise some discussions on how we can help to end the stigma which surrounds mental illness. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please follow and share in the hope my experience will help others.
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