Having just learnt of the passing of Ellie Souter, and finding out yesterday that not only did the love island star Sophie tragically take her own life, but so did her boyfriend and 2 of his friends, I felt compelled to write this.
Sometimes in life you just feel stuck, wondering where you fit into it. You can have “everything going for you” yet still feel stuck.
I think most of us can relate to this statement and I guess some just stay stuck. Some people are lucky enough to have someone there to support them. If not physically, there is always someone at the end of a phone. However, others don’t feel they have anyone to rely on when life becomes just too much, even when they are surrounded by others. There may be people there who say “you can ring me anytime” but you may not think when it comes to it that you can rely on them, or that perhaps you don’t want to push your darkest thoughts onto them. Perhaps you have found out previously that when the chips are down, there literally has not been anyone who’s dropped everything to be there for you. Circumstances dictate sometimes that life can get in the way and they just can’t drop everything to be there for you. Sadly though, when you needed them the most they just haven’t been there. Is that because we can also hide behind our smiles a little too well?
I can remember feeling just totally empty, detached and disconnected emotionally from life without the ability to shake myself out of it. However, if you ask anyone who knows me, in those times they would probably only have seen me smiling for the most part. There is one sure way of knowing if someone is genuinely smiling though and that’s by looking them in the eye. If someone is genuinely smiling then their eyes would be smiling to. I didnt feel I was getting any pleasure out of life, that I was just going through the motions. It’s like being in a crowded room at a gathering you have to go to but it’s way too noisy, you can see the lips moving of the person engaging in conversation but you have absolutely no idea what they are saying. You just look for signs of them smiling or laughing and then you mimick that. This is how I felt all the time, smile, laugh and nod in all the right places and you can wing it. Sophie posted a picture of herself on Instagram the day before she died, huge smile on her face saying how wonderful life was and how she loved her boyfriend. Who knew that the day after the world would learn just how unhappy she was.
When your in that place it’s really hard to drag yourself out of it. All you see is that life is just getting too much. You want to go out, but you don’t. You want to go to work, but you don’t. You want to spend time with family and friends, but you don’t. You want to be in a relationship but you don’t… It just goes on until you become so numb to it all. I started thinking about random ways of hurting myself such as when I used a knife to chop things up for cooking, I would start to wonder what it would feel like to just push it into my throat. I became fixated on thinking about how I could do it to make it look like an accident. I was just floating through life pretending life was ok but inside I was living a constant nightmare. I would go to bed at the end of each day exhausted from pretending to everyone that all is ok. I would tell myself that I’ve made it through another day and sometimes I didn’t know how I did. You can be sat with the most wonderful people, all smiling, laughing and joking but inside you feel totally different. Your heart is heavy like lead, your stomach is in knots, your really concentrating on focusing on individuals leading into exhaustion from trying too hard sometimes. Your looking around thinking you no longer fit in, or you question if you did indeed fit in at all. You get home and you start with ‘those thoughts’ again. You want to pick up the phone but you then wonder who the heck your going to ring, someone who knows and will just come to your aid. Would you know who to call if this was you?
Sometimes in life when we become stuck and cannot see a way through, we just want to reach out. The problem is trying to put that into words. How do you start a conversation to say I’m just feeling numb, I can’t cope anymore, I’m not happy and I no longer want to live in this world for whatever reason that is.
We should all try to find someone to reach out to in the darkness. There will always be someone, it’s just sometimes we just cannot see it. Below I have a couple of charities who can listen and assist in times of crisis. There will also be agencies in and around your local area who can help you. Please find that someone and put their number in your phone or written down. In your darkest moments please, please reach out.